Last Resort
by Identical Gemini
Summary: With his brother banished, his 'friends' plotting his demise, and his life falling apart all around him, Prince Loki favors an alternative course of action to rid Asgard of at least one monster. Or, where problems actually get dealt with rather than just tossed down an intergalactic void.
1. Bad Blood

**Last Resort**

**A/N**

An alternative outcome to Thor movie. I'm leaving from the presumption that Loki has serious self-worth issues, and did most of the things he did in the movie out of desperation, and because he felt he was being pushed into it; the more things started to go wrong, the more mad and ambitious his plans got. This will be a multi-chapter fic.

WARNINGS for self-inflicted injury and angst.

()()()

**1. Bad Blood**

As Loki stood alone on a balcony, and watched the Bifrost beam his so-called friends to the one destination he had forbidden them to go, the young man was surprised to discover how little anger he felt over the situation. He felt somewhat bitter and betrayed, but even those reactions were muted by the utter lack of surprise that accompanied them. Loki had, after all, never even dreamed the Warriors Three and Lady Sif would side with him over the golden Prince of Asgard. Not under any circumstances. Not even with Loki sitting on the throne, apparently.

Although, considering the abuse Loki's heart had taken over the past few days, he assumed it was also quite possible that those particular emotions were in such overuse as it was that he was, for the time being, incapable of feeling _more_ hurt and betrayed. Either way, instead of blinding anger, Loki felt a strange sort of calmness descend upon him. It was a feeling of certainty he hadn't felt since their ill-fated trip to Jotunheim.

_I'm running out of time. Soon it will be over_, Loki thought to himself.

The Prince turned around and walked back inside the golden halls of the palace. Everything, all his plans and hopes and expectations, were about to come to an end.

_When Thor returns, angry and demanding the throne, he will fight me. I have to make preparations. I have to…_

Loki stopped dead in his tracks as the entirety of the situation finally dawned on him.

_I have to stop it all but… then what?_

If he fought Thor, he would loose. There was, in fact, no scenario left in which Loki would come out on the top, so, to be more accurate, he _had lost _already.

The calm certainty he'd felt moments earlier wrapped itself around his heart more firmly.

Even if Loki miraculously defeated Thor in battle, he would, in the process, give everyone who already suspected he had orchestrated this whole banishment business in order to usurp the throne (and that really was _everyone in Asgard_, now that Loki was thinking about it) the proof of his treachery they had sought all along. Not that anyone actually _needed _proof to act against him: their personal suspicions toward him obviously more than sufficed, as usual.

_I had lost this game the moment people around me were convinced I am a traitor, and acted thusly. Whether they could prove it or not, whether it was actually _true or not,_ was hardly relevant. (Failure, always a failure.)_

_It doesn't matter that I only did what I did to prove my brother wasn't ready to take the throne. Doesn't matter that Thor getting _banished_ and me getting dumped with the _throne_ was never part of the plan._

_But why should they listen? Why should anyone _believe_ me if I told them that I never wanted the throne? It's not like anyone has believed a word I've said in years. Not if it isn't something they wanted to hear, or already believed in._

_Everyone (yes, everyone), _Loki thought, looking at his hands,_ is convinced I am a monster, and the only way left to prove them wrong is… to fight my brother. My beloved-by-all brother. My brother, who is swiftly forgiven all his slights, whose faults are always overlooked. (And isn't that the very reason we are in this mess in the first place?!)_

Loki started walking again, but with less purpose. His mind was still working to reach the logical conclusion of this line of thought. A part of Loki knew he didn't actually want to reach it, but, unfortunately, he had never learned when to stop.

_Even if Thor doesn't outright kill me in his anger, when Odin wakes, the king won't forgive me. Nor will Thor. Not once he hears the truth. They will never believe that I didn't mean for things to escalate this way; that I never meant to start a war!_

_But Odin won't listen (he never does, not to you)._

_But maybe this time he would listen. Listen and really see me. But only if I first prove myself worthy. Bring down the enemies of Asgard. Become a hero. Be like Thor. (Not like me.)_

_No. Thor is going to be here any minute now, and my plans to prove myself worthy through courageous actions are still far from complete (never good enough)._ _There isn't enough time to prove myself worth keeping (worthy of love). Everything is falling apart, and the pieces are too small, slipping through my fingers. There is nothing left to do to make everything right again. _

_I have already lost._

Loki took in a long, ragged breath, as a new sort of single-minded determination took him over.

_This is the end, then. It's over._

There was no anger left in him, only acceptance.

A sad smile curled on Loki's lips. He knew what he had to do now. There really was only one decent thing left to do. He may not be able to save himself, but he could still do _something_.

For Asgard.

_At least it'll be over soon._

ooo

Heimdall was not surprised to see Loki approaching him, nor was he surprised to see a casual smile playing on the would-be-king's face. The Prince had always been a master at hiding his true emotions behind a facade, and Heimdall would've expected no less of him during a confrontation such as this.

No doubt Loki had by now noticed Thor's loyal friends were unaccounted for, and had guessed, correctly, who was responsible.

"Tell me Loki, how did you get the Jotun into Asgard?" the Guardian asked before Loki had even halted in his steps.

The young man took a few more paces before stopping in front of Heimdall, still a respectful distance between them. Loki casually leaned on Gungir, and tilted his head a fraction to the side. The absent smile on his lips got a bitter edge to it, but never faltered completely.

"Tell me Heimdall, why did you let the Warriors Three and Lady Sif pass you to go and retrieve the banished Prince Thor, against the expressed orders of the Allfather, your king, and me, your current ruler?"

Heimdall was unfazed by these accusations.

"You may be able to avoid answering my question, but you will not avoid your just punishment", the Gatekeeper stated in an even tone, looking past Loki into the distance. He could see that the Warriors Three and Sif had already reached the Thunder God. Heimdall knew it wouldn't be long now.

Loki's eyebrows tilted up in mock sincerity, but when he spoke, his voice was unusually quiet. "Oh, I know. I know exactly what awaits me at the end of this all."

As Loki spoke, his bitter smirk slowly morphed into an emotionless, unreadable mask. He looked up again, his eyes focused. "Tell me, Mighty Heimdall, have my 'friends' already convinced Thor to come back to kill me, or is my ever quick-witted brother still having trouble grasping the situation?"

"The rightful heir will return", Heimdall remarked, purposefully vague.

The sharp look in Loki's eyes intensified. "You... know. You always knew."

It wasn't a question, but Heimdall answered it anyway. "I knew you would be trouble from the moment I lay my eyes upon the bundle in the Allfather's arms."

Loki pulled himself, if possible, more straight. For a blink of an eye the composed look on his features twisted into something between hate and desperation, but the outburst quickly morphed back into a resemblance of a polite smile. Loki's tone, however, was noticeably tenser, when he spoke.

"Enough with pleasantries. It so happens that I've come to ask a favor of you. Here." Loki held out the staff in his hands. "I was wondering if you would hold onto Gungir for a while. Just until Thor returns to claim what is _rightfully_ his, that is."

Loki took a step forward and handed the staff toward the Guardian with both hands. Heimdall, however, made no attempt to take it from him.

A part of the Guardian wanted nothing more than to strip the traitor Prince of the powerful weapon, but a wiser part of him knew better than to trust the Trickster and his tricks. So, without even glancing at the staff, Heimdall kept both of his hands firmly on the handle of his massive sword; a weapon capable of operating the Bifrost, but no less useful for physically cutting down threats to Asgard.

This show of insolence appeared to be enough to make Loki abandon all pretense of politeness. With a rather crossed-looking, impatient glare, Loki let go of Gungir. It fell with a clank at the Guardian's feet.

"Ah, forgive me for my error", Loki said, a smile playing on his lips, but his tone as sharp as a dagger of ice. "I rather forgot that the great Gatekeeper of Asgard is no longer in the habit of taking orders from _kings_."

With those parting words, Loki turned around and headed back toward the palace. This finally did surprise the all-seeing watchman. It was a strange thing, indeed, that the cautious mischief-maker would trust him enough to turn his back on him. After a moment's consideration, Heimdall came to the conclusion that it mattered little what tricks the prince was up to this time, for he would soon have played his last one.

ooo

As Loki walked away from the Bifrost, he was grateful that, even now, his silver tongue hadn't failed him. That was just about all he could be grateful for.

_He knew._

_(Of course he knew.) _Answered another, angry voice in Loki's head. _(That all-prying, self-righteous, sorry pretense of neutrality. He always did hate your guts.)_

Loki hadn't really wanted to see anyone right now (or, preferably, ever again), but it was difficult to completely ignore one's kingly responsibilities while carrying a powerful symbol of power in one's hand, it turned out. Since waiting until Thor arrived would have complicated matters greatly, and leaving Gungir just lying around somewhere in the palace seemed undignified, Loki had settled for a compromise.

Thus, the exchange had been regrettable, but necessary.

_(You could leave Asgard. You know ways.)_ Loki smirked.

_Run and hide like a true coward? I think not. Where would I even go? Asgard is not home (never was, you never did belong here) but it is the only place I have ever truly known. There is no place for me to go._

Loki stopped in his tracks as he realized where his legs were taking him: to his rooms. Loki recoiled away from the mere idea of doing what needed to be done _there_. It was only natural, he presumed, for any being to want to spend his last moments in a safe place, where he must have felt happy, once upon a time. Yet, as far as locations went, his rooms seemed… wrong, somehow.

Quiet people with quiet lives died in their beds.

Loki kept on walking.

ooo

"He is at the palace", Heimdall's deep voice carried easily over the hum of the powering down Bifrost. "He is on the move, but I think I know where he is headed."

ooo

It hurt.

Loki had been injured in battles many a time in the past, sometimes very seriously, even, so he had thought he knew what to expect. _Thought_ he was prepared for it. Now, with his blood flowing freely from several stabbing wounds on his stomach area, the pain was far greater than the prince had anticipated.

Although Loki had many poisons and other cleaner ways of ending one's existence at his disposal, a knife had felt more appropriate for the task. He had enough experience with knives that he knew slitting his throat would've been most effective, but he found himself reluctant to willingly part with his ability to speak. Even now, for just a moment. The fact that Loki had no one to talk to didn't change his feelings on the matter.

Loki comforted himself with the thought that, since he was only ever going to do this once, efficiency was hardly the most important aspect to consider. This was more about _symbolism_. For once Loki, not his brother, got to save the day. Slay the monster.

Alas, the mess was justified.

_And what a terrifying mess it is. I certainly managed to ruin everything in no time at all_, Loki thought bitterly. His blood was dripping on the ground and vegetation around him, coloring everything the crimson color of Thor's cape. _Or, perhaps, the problem was never so much what I _did,_ but more to do with what I _am_. Bad blood._

Even leaning heavily on a bench, Loki could no longer stand up. He crumbled to the ground at the root of a large willow tree. The palace gardens had always been one of Loki's favorite places in all of Asgard. Now, as he looked up from the ground, the angle reminded him of what the place had looked like through the eyes of a small child. When they were still young and innocent, before… Before.

The thing Loki found the strangest was that, no matter how much of his life oozed out of him, the pain didn't lessen. On the contrary; it clawed at him more furiously than ever, as every horrible doubt he'd had since childhood was being made real.

_He never did love me like he loved Thor, and now I know why. And I can't even blame him for it. ("Another stolen relic… no longer matter.") Who could love a useless monster?_

Tears flowed freely down his face now. _A side effect of the pain_, Loki assured himself.

For a brief moment of weakness, Loki wished his brother was there. Wished that Thor would find him, and tell him it was all just a bad dream. Tell him that it was alright. Tell him he was fine.

Loki closed his eyes and shook his head, disregarding the notion.

_Thor doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself. And, even if he did, Thor is incapable of lying._

Loki looked at the stars above him, and wondered if he had made the wrong choice. All beings died in the end, but this seemed like an unusually… mellow way for someone as complicated as him to leave this world. Going down without a fight.

_I didn't have a choic_e. _This is my last resort,_ Loki reminded himself.

_(Yes you did. You could have fought. You could have won.) _Another voice whispered in his ear._  
_

Loki grimaced. He had always been a good liar, especially when lying to himself, but now, during his last moments, the truth was painfully clear to him. His situation was not unlike all the sagas and other tales of epic heroism he and Thor had grown up hearing, and all the tales ended the same way. A happy ending meant the monster had to die.

_Fighting Thor and loosing would be awful, but far from the worst that could happen. What would I do if I fought and won?_

Loki shuddered. Whether because of the cold that was starting to settle in like an old companion, or because of his train of thought, he wasn't sure. The dying Prince did know he could barely consider the option of his victory. His reasons for this had little to do with who was Asgard's Golden Prince, and who the deceitful monster.

_I hate Thor, but… I only wanted to teach him a lesson. Ruin his big day. Make him see me. Like he used to.  
_

Loki's feelings for his broth… for Thor, were complicated. _(Always in his shadow.) _Many a time, Loki had wished to see the Thunderer hurt, brought low, vulnerable, (imperfect) but… He had only ever wished to be an equal son, a worthy son; never the _only_ son.

_I don't hate Thor, but he _will_ hate me. When he learns the truth. Inevitable. A monster. "I __will slay all the Frost Giants!"_

This was for the best, surely, because, deep down, Loki always knew this was the only way this story could end.

_I never stood a chance of winning. I don't _deserve_ to win. Monsters never do._

Loki was grateful he didn't ever have to see his brother… his _not-_brother again. This was all enough to deal with without Thor... complicating everything. The way he always did.

_Thor is the last person who hasn't turned on me. Hasn't stopped believing there is good in… Doesn't know the truth. I cannot loose him, but I will, and this is the less painful way. I can't loose him, and if I stayed, I'd only end up destroying everything and everyone I care about._

Loki felt empty, which was a rather liberating sensation in comparison to the cacophony of hopes and fears that had invaded his head since the revelation of his true nature. A pained smile flashed across his features, as it occurred to him to wonder if this was what victory tasted like.

_My life may have been a lie, but my death will not be for naught._

Loki closed his eyes, hoping never to open them again. Unfortunately, nothing had been going his way of late, and this would be no exception.

ooo

Thor frowned as he looked around himself in the dimly-lit garden, his eyes searching for a familiar flash of green.

"Where is he?" Sif asked, her two-bladed weapon ready in hand. Thor was still uncomfortable with the possibility of having to fight his brother, but if what the Warriors Three and Sif had told him was true, he dared not order his friends to sheath their weapons.

Thor sighed. _What mess have you gotten yourself into this time, little brother?_

After his friends had told Thor that Odin wasn't dead, and Loki was up to something sinister, the Thunderer had eventually agreed to return from his banishment. Although Thor still hadn't proven himself worthy of his powers and title, he had had no choice but to return to make sure all was well in the Realm Eternal. Thor was also here to make sure these accusations laid against his brother were, at least in part, a misunderstanding. Even Thor didn't think Loki innocent; his brother had always been one for mischief. But treason? Thor found that hard to believe.

After Heimdall had transported them all back to Asgard, and told them where to find Loki, Thor had told the Warriors Four that he would face his brother alone. His friends had quickly disagreed with him on the grounds that, since Thor was currently mortal, he couldn't hope to defend himself against Loki in a fight. Thor still couldn't believe his brother would fight him, but the warriors had been immovable on the topic.

Now they had finally reached the place where Loki was supposedly residing, but there was still no sign of Thor's little brother.

"Perhaps, he has gone somewhere else while we made our way here", Fandral offered.

Sif snorted. "More likely the coward is hiding from us. You heard what Heimdall said; Loki knew we were coming for him."

Thor made once again sure Gungir was safely in his grip. He couldn't actually _use_ the weapon, not as a mortal, but he would hate to misplace his father's staff regardless. He knew his father liked his weapon nearly as much as Thor liked his hammer.

What mystified Thor most about the current situation was, why Loki had abandoned the staff at the observatory. It didn't make any sense, but, then again, nor did Loki lying about their father's death.

Thor raised his eyes from the staff, and said in a firm voice. "We are not leaving the gardens until we've made sure my brother isn't somewhere here."

Thor and the warriors started to fan out in all directions, staying close to one another so as to have each others backs. They did so more out of habit than because they were actually expecting to get ambushed in the palace gardens. It was a search grid they had formed many a time on their adventures together, but, to Thor, it felt incomplete without Loki at his right flank.

Thor had been furious at first, when he had learned of his brother's latest bit of deceit, but now he found himself beginning to calm down. Loki had gone too far this time, and had to face punishment for his deeds, but he was still Thor's little brother.

"There", Hogun spoke up in his usual, grim tone. Thor followed his friend's gaze to a dark heap in the shadow under one of the trees, but it took him a while to recognize what he was looking at.

"Loki? Brother!"

As Thor ran closer, his fears were confirmed. It was, indeed, Loki lying in a heap on the ground. Thor reached down to shake him by the shoulder. "Brother, what's the matt…?" was all he managed to say before he realized, why his hand came back soaked.

Blood.

Only now Thor really saw what was going on around him. Loki's always pale skin was a sickly shade of gray; his face a drained mask. Loki's elaborate tunic was such a dark shade of green that, in the shadow of the big willow tree, one did not first notice how drenched in blood it was. Thor couldn't truly comprehend how this had come to be. His instincts alone guided him to reach to check for his brother's pulse. The only coherent thought echoing in his head: _Loki is already dead_.

For a length of a heartbeat that seemed to last an eternity, Thor could feel nothing on his brothers neck except how utterly cold the skin felt to his touch. Then, to the demigod's immense relief, he felt the faint, almost imperceptible beat of Loki's heart.

"Oh gods, is he…?" Fandral stammered from Thor's right side, his usual eloquence all gone.

"No, he still lives. But not for long if we don't get him to the healing rooms!" Thor boomed, while his hand quickly searched his brother in order to identify his injuries, and to try to slow down the bleeding. By the look of him, Loki could not afford to loose another drop.

Volstagg materialized into Thor's line of vision. He, too, was quickly scanning Loki, and preparing to hoist him up. Suddenly, a quiet whimper escaped from Loki's lips, causing everyone to momentarily seize moving.

"Brother? Brother, can you hear me?" Thor cradled Loki's head in one hand while, with his other, he wiped stray strands of hair away from Loki's face in order to see it properly. Loki's eyes had opened just a fraction, but his dreamy gaze did not lock on to anything particular.

"I am here, brother. I'm back. No one will hurt you now", Thor assured his brother even though he didn't truly believe Loki could hear him.

"I don't understand", Sif mumbled, her voice uncharacteristically withdrawn. "He wasn't… It wasn't supposed to be this way."

"Four stab wounds to the stomach area", Volstagg murmured, having come to the same total count as Thor moments before him, "We need to…"

"I'll carry him", Thor said, stubborn to be the one despite his weakened, mortal state. How Thor now wished he still had Mjölnir and the ability to fly. Never had he appreciated that talent more than now that it was unavailable to him.

"I'll run ahead and tell the healers to get ready", Fandral promised, and, after getting a nod of approval from Thor, sprinted away.

Thor didn't know what the other warriors were doing, since he couldn't tear his eyes away from Loki's unmoving form long enough to find out. Volstagg had provided a cloth from somewhere to be used as a bandage, but instead of tying it in place, he had simply placed it on the wounds to slow down the bleeding. Even so, Thor was careful not to drop the bandage while he gathered Loki into his arms.

As Thor pulled himself to his full height, Loki dangling in his arms, Sif was suddenly by his side. "Let me help..."

"No!" Thor croaked through his own tears. "I've got him."

Sif was not known for backing down from arguments, but, for once, she didn't press the matter further.

To back up his words, Thor made his way out of the gardens as fast as he could without risking further harm to his brother. Even as a mortal, Thor was, as Darcy had put it, well-built. Also, Loki was nowhere near as heavy as most Aesir, especially when he wasn't wearing his full armor.

Loki was still almost as tall as Thor himself, and his long limbs were now an awkward dead weight in Thor's arms. Even so, Thor did not slow down for a moment, as he rushed into the palace and through the winding corridors. The other warriors followed him close by, in case he needed help after all.

At this late hour, they ran into only a handful of servants on their way from the gardens to the healing rooms. The people they passed by looked surprised and horrified, but Thor paid little mind to them. So long as none of them were foolish enough to try to stop him or slow him down, they might as well have been air to the Thunder God. All that mattered right now was getting his bleeding, unconscious brother to people who could help.

Thor walked straight into the healing rooms without preamble. To his tremendous relief, Fandral had already warned the healers on stand-by of what was coming. Everyone in the room burst into motion, but, somehow, the healers and apprentices managed to move in such a coordinated fashion that the scene looked efficient rather than chaotic.

At the head healer's instruction, Thor placed his brother on one of the beds. After that, he hesitated. He wanted to stay by his brother's side, but he didn't want to get in the healers' way. Before Thor could reach a decision, one was made for him.

"Prince Thor." One of the older healers walked up to him and guided him toward the door. "It would be better if you waited outside."

"But I want to stay with..."

"Prince… King Loki is in capable hands, but you have to give the healers space and time, so that they can focus all their efforts on saving him." The old woman looked at Thor with sympathy, but her tone brooked no argument. "You, all of you, have to wait outside. Someone will come and give you an update on the situation as soon as we know it ourselves."

The old healer damn near physically pushed Thor out of the room, but the blond man was still too shocked to even feel offended by that. Sif placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it firmly, but the grim look on her face told Thor the gesture was more about support than reassurance.

For a long while, the Warriors Three, Sif and Thor stood waiting in a nearby recuperation room. No one said anything.

Finally, Fandral broke the silence. "Okay, what the hel happened?" He looked around the group, searching their faces for confirmation that he wasn't the only one who was completely puzzled by this turn of events.

Volstagg looked at Thor, unsure. "If we had known that something like this was going on, we would not have left…"

But Thor only shook his head. "Fear not, my friends. I know you are not to be blamed for this. But." Thor looked up, and his voice took on a darker edge. "Whoever is responsible for this will pay for that mistake _dearly_."

As Thor spoke, he automatically reached for his hammer on his belt, only to be reminded that he had left it on Midgard. His lack of hammer and armor reminded him of the reason _why_ they were not with him, but Thor wasn't discouraged by the notion that he was still mortal. Right now, his own banishment was the least of his concerns, and it certainly wouldn't stop him from hunting down whoever was responsible, and making them regret the day they had even thought of crossing a son of Odin.

"Thor." Sif sounded hesitant, and this alone was so out of character that Thor turned to fully look at the warrior woman, his brows creased in surprise and anger. Sif lifted her hand up for everyone to see. In it was a blood-drenched knife. "I found this in the garden near where we found Loki."

Thor's face didn't so much as flinch as he reached for the knife. Sif handed it to him without protest. Thor brought the knife closer to his eyes for inspection, doing so almost involuntarily. He didn't _really_ want to see the weapon that was responsible for his brother's fate, but found himself unable to look away.

"It's one of Loki's throwing knives", Sif explained unnecessarily. Thor had already recognized the weapon as well. Silence fell once again in the room as everyone simply stared at the knife as if it might reveal its secrets if they only looked at it hard enough.

This time, it was Thor who broke the silence. "This tells us that the coward who did this to Loki didn't even use his own weapon."

As no one said anything, Thor raised his gaze from the knife to look at his friends, who were exchanging looks of concern. Finally, Sif turned to face Thor, looking him in the eye.

"Thor", Sif said in a stern voice.

"Yes, Lady Sif. You keep repeating my name, but was there something else you wanted to tell me?" Thor asked, suddenly finding himself very annoyed and defensive. What for, Thor wasn't quite sure, but he had a sudden feeling that everyone else in the room was against him on this.

Sif, unfazed, took a step toward him, her eyes never leaving his. "Thor, have you considered that things may not have gone the way you presume they did?"

Now Thor felt his temper truly rising. "Are you trying to tell me that my brother has not been stabbed several times, and is not fighting for his life as we speak?!"

"Thor, just stop and _think about _what you are saying. Have any of us ever been able to even sneak up on Loki, let alone steal one of Loki's knives and attack him with it?"

Thor crossed his arms and glared at his friend. "What are you trying to suggest?"

Sif hesitated, but only for a second. "I think Loki did this to himself."

Thor's hands clenched into fists. He took a step toward Sif, who, to her credit, stood her ground. Their faces were only inches apart. "You dare say something like that of my brother to my face", Thor fumed, his mortality completely forgotten.

"None of us can know for sure what _exactly_ happened", Volstagg cut in, trying to break some of the tension. Thor, however, did not lift his gaze from Lady Sif, who matched the glare defiantly.

It was Hogun who finally distracted Thor from his rage by saying: "There is one who knows."

Thor looked up at his solemn friend and backed down a notch. As he thought it through, his anger melted into determination. "Heimdall."

"We should send someone right away to ask if the Guardian saw anything", Fandral offered, but Thor shook his head.

"I'll ask him myself", Thor declared and started to move toward the door way.

Volstagg looked somewhat relieved, but still obviously uncomfortable. He half-stepped in Thor's way, though not completely blocking his route. "But… what about Loki? Are you sure you should go anywhere right now?"

Thor closed his eyes and winced. In his hurry to find someone to blame, he had nearly forgotten what they were doing here in the first place. Thor was still determined to go, though. "There is nothing I can do for my brother here."

Thor took another step, but was this time cut off by Sif. "Whatever answers Heimdall gives you, they will not help save Loki now."

"Then what would you have me do? Stay here and do nothing?!" Thor asked, still angry and sad, but no longer accusing.

Sif sighed, and stepped out of his way. "Then I will come with you."

Thor nodded, and turned to the Warriors Three. "We will be back as soon as we have answers. Stay here and send word to us if you hear from the healers. And send word to my parents of what has transpired."

"Thor", Fandral said, "We can send for Frigga, but the Allfather still sleeps."

Thor frowned. He hadn't forgotten that his father was in the Odinsleep, not really, but Thor had somehow presumed that the King of Asgard would always be available when he was needed the most. Thor felt a new surge of guilt when he realized he was leaving his mother to face this alone.

And still. He needed to know. Thor could not believe his friend's theory, but he couldn't easily think of a better one, either. It just didn't make any sense! What reason in all the Nine Realms could his brother have to do something like this to himself?

Thor had to know the truth.

TBC


	2. What Hope Is There for Loki?

**A/N**

Thanks to all my readers for your support, and special thanks to everyone who reviewed!

()()()

**2. What Hope Is There for Loki?**

As Lady Sif and Thor walked toward Heimdall, Sif had not a sliver of doubt in her mind about what they would soon learn. Even so, this visit was something that had to be done. Thor was in such a state of denial about Loki's injuries that hearing the truth from the all-seeing Gatekeeper personally was perhaps the only way to convince him. Otherwise the Prince might keep insisting that there had been some sort of misunderstanding.

Sif had volunteered to accompany Thor on this quest, but not because she, too, needed to find answers. She was here because Thor would need a friend by his side when he learned the truth.

Also, as difficult as it was to comprehend, in his current state Thor was vulnerable. This had not really occurred to Sif or any of the Warriors Three upon embarking on their journey to Midgard. They had not stopped to consider what it _exactly_ meant that Thor had been made mortal.

_Perhaps_, and Sif hated herself for even thinking this way,_ it would have been safer if we had left Thor out of this all together. What if Loki _had_ wanted a fight? Thor could have gotten hurt, or maybe even died!_

She physically shook her head at that. There was no point thinking in such a way. She and the other warriors had done the right thing and that was that. Bringing Thor back was the only way to ensure the safety of Asgard. Besides, mortal or not, Thor was no damsel and would have no use nor appreciation for being treated like one.

And still, even now Sif found it hard to truly comprehend how differently the confrontation had gone from the way she had only hours ago been absolutely convinced it would go. On the moment Sif had seen Loki on the throne it had been crystal clear to her that Asgard was in immediate danger. With Thor gone and Odin unavailable, it was up to her and her comrades to save the day.

And then… _this_ had happened. Which didn't make any sense at all. Which meant it had to be a trick. Somehow. But for the life of her Sif could not figure out what Loki's big, devious plan behind a remains-to-be-seen-how-succesful suicide attempt was.

It made sense for the coward to, upon realizing his inevitable defeat, resort to playing every dirty trick he could think of in an attempt to distract people from his guilt. In that light, a suicide attempt was a low blow even coming from Loki, but still something that made sense.

However, it was clear to anyone who had bared witness to the scene in the gardens that there had been nothing halfhearted about Loki's attempt, and _that_ was just plain puzzling. This did not fit at all in any of Loki's plans. How could any plot for ultimate dominion over Asgard be fulfilled from the afterlife?

_Maybe_, she thought to herself, _maybe Loki really is crazy._

"Heimdall", Thor demanded to be acknowledged. Even while wearing Midgardian clothing covered in blood, Thor managed to stand tall and regal. A born-to-be king. "My brother has been wounded and I wish to know by whose hand."

Heimdall, his face as calm as though they were discussing the weather, replied: "By his own, my Prince."

"What?!" Thor exclaimed. "That is impossible. Your eyes deceive you."

For a moment Heimdall's gaze met Thor's, but soon it shifted back to admire Norns-only-knew what. "After you left my observatory I kept a close eye on Loki. There is no mistake. The injuries Loki now suffers from he inflicted on himself."

Thor exhaled loudly, lost for words. Sif put her hand on her friend's shoulder. Thor was a good brother, a better one than Loki deserved. This would not be easy on him.

"Then why in the Nine Realms did you not stop it?!" Thor shouted, suddenly all thunder and lighting under his desperation.

"My place is here, guarding the realm." The Gatekeeper explained calmly.

An odd thought struck Sif, as she reflected on what Heimdall was saying ,and what he was leaving unsaid. It was true that the Guardian's place was here, at his observatory, but that did not mean Heimdall couldn't, or wouldn't leave it, if need be.

In fact, only hours before, Heimdall had proven himself not only aware of the loopholes in his job description, but also more than willing to exploit those loopholes whenever they suited his purposes. The Gatekeeper was not allowed to open the Bifrost for Sif and the Warriors Three, but he had also made no attempts to stop them going. Heimdall had even left them with means to operate the bridge themselves. Sif decided to keep her thoughts to herself for now.

"You could have send for someone! You could have send word to _us_!" Thor insisted, but even his resolve was wavering.

"You were already on your way. No message would have reached you in time to make a difference", Heimdall stated.

"Why?" Thor's tone was suddenly quiet. "Why would my brother do this?"

"I can only see what happens, not into the minds of men."

"But you have been keeping an eye on him, yes? Surely you have _a better idea_ than we do. What has brought upon this madness? You must know _something",_ Thor's ire was on the rise again.

Heimdall's gaze shifted a bit, not to look at them, but to see something else, quite possibly the past.

"Loki was your king", Thor continued, clearly struck by a sudden moment of insight. "You _must_ have kept your eye on him! So tell me what you saw that explains this!"

Sif was glad she was not in the Guardian's shoes right now. Thor may have said he came here for answers, but really the Prince was looking for someone to blame. Heimdall had not been able to give Thor another target for his frustration, and was now facing the full consequences of that. Mortal or not, the wrath of Thor could be almost as unnerving as the wrath of the Allfather.

"I saw nothing that would have led me to believe this was what Loki was planning to do. Though…" Heimdall hesitated, and Thor made a noise urging him to go on. "There were brief moments during his reign when I could not see Loki. Longest of them being that I could see nothing of what transpired while Loki was meeting the Jotun King."

"Loki went back to Jotunheim?" Sif blurted out, astonished that the Gatekeeper had deemed to keep that piece of information to himself even though they had all been conspiring _together_ against Loki. On the other hand, Heimdall usually shared very little of what he saw unless he was directly asked. "When?"

"He went alone not long after the Allfather had succumbed to the Odinsleep. My presumption is that he went to meet King Laufey, for Loki asked to be dropped off near the palace. However, during the whole time he was there, I could not see what was going on in Jotunheim."

"My brother left to negotiate with the Jotun?" Thor asked, clearly confused. "That was very dangerous! And you let him go alone?"

"He was my king. I was following orders."

Thor looked around himself, obviously putting together what he had just learned. One could almost see how the pieces clicked in place, and Thor's glare turned murderous. "To Jotunheim, you say? That cannot be a coincidence. I am beginning to think it is the Jotun who are to be blamed. Perhaps I should pay them another visit."

_Here we go again._ Sif took several strides forward in case she would have to physically stop Thor from doing anything this foolish.

To Sif's enormous relief, Heimdall was of the same mind. "I will not let you go to Jotunheim", the Guardian stated.

Thor's eyes narrowed. "You let me go there once already. And you let my brother go there all by himself."

Heimdall did not answer in any way, but merely kept looking past them. Sif took that as her cue. "Thor, you must see that you cannot go to Jotunheim. Not like this, not as a mortal. We are at war. They would skin you alive if you gave them the chance. You must see that."

What she really wanted to say was that whatever reason Loki had had for doing what he did, the Jotun likely played no part in it. Thankfully, saying that wasn't necessary. She could see in Thor's eyes that he knew going to Jotunheim was out of question.

"We should get back to the palace", Sif went on, looking to Heimdall to see if he had anything more to add. The Guardian did not appear inclined to keep up the conversation, so Sif squeezed Thor's arm. "Your mother would want to see you, I'm sure."

ooo

"Where is he?" insisted a voice from the doorway of the recuperation room.

"My Queen", Fandral got up from the sofa and bowed quickly before clarifying. "You mean where is…?"

"Where is Loki, my son", Frigga looked very serious, her usual kindness replaced by sadness and determination.

"The healers are still working on him, My Queen", Volstagg, who too was on his feet now, provided. "They have requested that no one enter, so they may focus on healing Loki."

"How bad is it?" Frigga's voice wavered slightly.

The Warriors Three exchanged nervous glances. It didn't feel quite right that they were the ones to deliver this kind of news, but there really was no one else to delegate the responsibility to.

As Volstagg looked into Frigga's worried, grief-filled eyes, the situation with Loki finally became real to him. He had, of course, been shocked to find their friend in such a state, and naturally he had worried, but only now it occurred to Volstagg that this wasn't just about Loki.

Unlike the other warriors, Volstagg had children of his own. If one of them was ever seriously hurt, or even worse, hurt himself, Volstagg had no idea what he would do. But, the stocky warrior figured that if he were in Frigga's position, he would appreciate honesty. Frigga may have been the queen of a realm, but she was here as a mother.

"It is bad", Volstagg grumbled, unable to lift his gaze. "Four deep cuts to the midsection. We brought him here as quickly as we could, but he had lost a lot of blood."

Volstagg took in a deep breath and finally met Frigga's eyes. "The healers are doing everything they can, but… but the situation is not yet certain."

Frigga seated herself and nodded once. "And Thor?"

"He's gone to speak to Heimdall", Fandral provided. "He should be back any moment."

She nodded again, and then asked the inevitable question Volstagg had fretted the most. "What happened?"

Volstagg had no good answers to that, but he had to say something regardless. "We… we don't know. We found him in the gardens the way he was. We don't know what happened."

"The gardens?" Frigga looked devastated beyond words. After Volstagg nodded, she fell into a silence, her thoughts realms away, it seemed.

Suddenly, Hogun stepped forward. Without a word, he offered Gungir to the Queen. Volstagg had truly forgotten about the staff, but apparently Hogun had held onto it on Thor's behest.

For a fraction of a second, Frigga only stared at the artifact, but then her face hardened and as she took the staff, nodding her thanks.

Volstagg gave his grim friend a side-ways look. How was _now_ an appropriate time for such silly formalities?! Could Hogun not see Frigga was in pain, and that reminding her about how she was the only one of her family left to sit on the throne was hardly productive, let alone comforting?

Hogun met his friend's glare unapologetically, causing Volstagg to eventually give up and simply shake his head. _Oh boy, how did everything get so tangled?_

ooo

"Mother."

"Thor!" Frigga hurried to hug her son.

Thor felt his eyes water up again as he embraced his mother. He lifted his gaze to look over Frigga's shoulder. "Any word on Loki?"

All three warriors shook their heads.

Frigga took a step back to take a good look at her eldest. Her eyes, too, shimmered with tears she forbade herself to shed.

It only now occurred to Thor what an upsetting sight he must be in his current state, covered in Loki's blood. Thor cursed inertly for having lacked the foresight to change clothing. Or at least wash his hands.

"Mother", Thor repeated, but the rest of the words he needed to say were stuck in his throat. _What is going on? Why would he do this? I'm sorry. _

Thor could only hope his deep, sad eyes conveyed all that he felt, but could not put in words. Thor had never had a way with words. Not like his brother did.

Frigga put her hand on Thor's face, and wiped away the tears with her thumb. "I know", was all she said. She quickly hugged him again before guiding him to sit next to her by the central fire.

They waited in silence, Thor holding her mother's hands in his.

Finally, the door to the healing rooms opened.

Thor was immediately on his feet, as was Frigga.

"How is he?" Thor asked, his mouth dry.

The head healer, a grey-haired woman, answered: "Prince Loki is no longer in immediate danger. His condition is still severe, but he is stable. Although it will take time, we expect him to make a full recovery."

Thor released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He turned to his mother and squeezed her hand harder. She responded with a weak but heart-felt smile.

"What Loki needs most right now is time to recuperate, so we have placed him in a healing trance", the healer went on. "He will not awaken for a few more days, but, should you like to, you are free to go see him now."

Frigga thanked the healer, and then turned to thank the Warriors Three and Sif for their help and support, not very subtly cueing them to leave. The warriors bowed and made their exit.

Thor trusted his friends and took comfort in their company, but at that moment, he was not sorry to see them go. This was between family, and Thor needed to have a word with his mother in private.

_She deserves to know the truth, but how do I tell her what really happened?_

The head healer guided Thor and Frigga into the healing rooms, and through them into a smaller side room. In that room was a large bed, and on it lay Loki.

Thor hurried to sit by his brother's side, and took his hand.

Loki looked… better. He was still unnaturally pale, but in clean clothes and lying under soft covers, he looked comfortable. Perhaps even peaceful. Come to think of it, Thor could not recall when he had last seen Loki's face so serene, without any worry or tension shrouding it.

Although Thor knew very little about magic, from what he could understand, a healing trance was not unlike the Odinsleep.

"Can he hear us?" Thor turned to ask the healer, who had been on her way out.

"No, he is unconscious. Asleep", the woman assured him. "Prince Loki is not in any pain, nor should he have any dreams." Stopping just outside the door, the healer added: "If you need anything, I will be in the other room."

Thor nodded, and the healer closed the door, leaving them alone with Loki.

"Oh, my poor child", Frigga sobbed, seated herself on the other side of the bed, and cupped Loki's face in her hands.

Thor swallowed back tears. It had been many years since he had seen Frigga this upset. Their mother could appear reserved and composed under almost any circumstances, but that did not mean she didn't feel just as strongly as any mother. Maybe even more so.

Despite what the healer had told him, Thor kept his hold on Loki's hand; just in case his brother could sense his presence after all. Mostly though, the gesture was for Thor's own comfort. After coming so close to loosing his little brother, Thor needed something concrete to hold onto to, to be sure that Loki was still here. That this wasn't just a dream or one of his brother's doppelgängers.

Thor looked to his mother. There was so much he needed to say, so much she needed to, _deserved_ to know, but he didn't have the words. Still, Thor had to try. "I went to see Heimdall."

Frigga nodded and turned her eyes to him. Thor swallowed and cleared his voice. He looked back at Loki, mostly to have an excuse to not look at his mother. "He… he said that…"

"That Loki did this to himself", Frigga completed for him.

Thor's eyes widened, and he turned to look at his mother again. "How did you...?"

Frigga shook her head. "I didn't, at first, but I'm not blind. I could tell there was more going on than anyone would tell me. I only knew for certain after I saw the look on your face."

She looked very sad and tired. "I _didn't_ know. Before. How could my baby have been in so much pain, and I didn't know?"

Fresh tears ran down her face. Thor got up and walked around the bed to Frigga's side and embraced her gently. His mother cried quietly, but also leaned into the hug. They sat by Loki's bedside like until Frigga pulled away.

She dried her remaining tears on the sleeve of her golden gown, and returned to stroking Loki's hair. Thor wondered if he should also tell her about Loki's involvement in letting the Jotun into Asgard, or about Thor's own suspicions towards the King of the Frost Giants, but in a rare moment of tact he decided it could wait. Now was hardly the time to start accusing his brother of anything, no matter how serious the crime. And now, with his head cooled down, even Thor could see that arbitrarily accusing and attacking other realms was no way to solve anything.

"We will get through this." Frigga suddenly spoke up, her voice unwavering as steal. "I know the situation appears dire now, but no one is dead yet, and where there is life there is also hope. Together, as a family, we will get through this."

While Frigga spoke she turned to Thor. The Thunderer feared his voice would betray him, so he simply nodded to acknowledge that he had heard and understood.

"Your brother needs us right now. All of us." Frigga reached to take Thor's hand and squeezed it firmly. "My son, you must promise me that you will try to help him. No matter what happens now, no matter how things might change, Loki is _your brother._ Nothing will ever change that."

The intensity of Frigga's request was such that Thor did not dare argue with her about the strangeness of it, and he settled for another nod. Internally, Thor wondered why his mother would feel the need to ask such a thing in the first place. _Of course_ Thor would do anything and everything he could to keep his brother safe. That went without saying. However, now that he was thinking about it, there were other matters that weren't as clear.

"I want to help Loki any way I can", Thor assured her. "But I'm not certain I am allowed to remain in Asgard. The Warriors Three and Sif retrieved me before my banishment was over because they had noticed Loki acting strangely, and Heimdall let me return to set things right, but technically, I am still banished. Once father awakens, he might send…"

"Once your father awakens, _I_ will have a word with him." Frigga said, so determined it was almost intimidating. "This is no longer a decision Odin gets to make alone as a king. _This_ is not about politics, or the safety of the realm, or even about a father teaching his son a lesson. _I_ have come too close to loosing both of my children in a span of a few days. Odin is my husband and my king, and I love him dearly, but this is my family as much as his. I will not stand by idly, and let him do as he pleases. Your father can be as angry as he wants, but he will not send you away again. This I promise."

Frigga looked Thor straight in the eye, and Thor could not help but believe every word. Still, as much as Thor didn't want to leave right now, there was another aspect that still bothered him.

"But… I see now that father was wise in banishing me. I was arrogant and reckless, and my foolish actions caused this mess. It is my fault that… That things are this bad…" Thor glanced at his brother's unmoving form, and felt his heart shrank in shame.

Frigga put her hand on Thor's cheek. "This is not your fault."

Thor shook his head. "If I had been here for Loki... If only I had listened to my brother from the start, none of this would have happened. The worst part is that I had no idea my brother was this… unhappy. I feel as though I haven't been a very good brother to Loki of late. Not only was I not here when Loki needed me the most, but I did not even know _that_ he needed me. So, even if you manage to convince father to let me stay, I am not sure I deserve to."

Although Thor still had no idea what had brought all this on, he felt a considerable amount of guilt over what had happened. He was fairly sure he had never felt more guilty about anything in his life, with the possible exception of how he had felt right after his brother had told him their father was dead.

"My son, listen to me. There is nothing you could have done. I was right here, this whole time, and unable to stop any of this. Your brother… he is going through a hard time. The important thing is that we are here for him now and will help him through it."

Frigga swept Thor's tears with her sleeve and smiled at him tentatively. "What comes to your banishment." She sighed and closed her eyes. "You have surely already been through more hurt and sorrow than even Odin could demand of you. Also, you have learned your lesson and will not repeat your mistakes. But this is not about that. This isn't about what any of us deserve, or think we deserve, but about what your brother _needs_. And what Loki needs most of all right now is for his family to be here for him."

Thor nodded. His mother was right. His own feelings of confusion and guilt would have to wait.

Thor sat up straighter. He had faced situations more dire than this with his head held high. Just because this time he was out of his comfort zone, fighting fears and threats he couldn't even name, let alone chase away with his hammer, it only meant that this would be more complicated than he was used to. It did not mean Thor would back down from the challenge.

_I will help my brother, even if I have to save him from himself._

Thor looked to his mother. "What should I do when he awakens? How can I help Loki when I have no idea what has caused all this in the first place?"

Frigga sighed. "I fear I do."

Thor raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Something happened while you were away, something that upset your brother gravely." Frigga closed her eyes. "If only I had known how upset Loki truly was. When we talked about it, he appeared very calm, but... you know what your brother can be like. He hides his feelings, even from me. Not that that's an excuse. I should have seen Loki's sorrow, was simply so much else going on. Your banishment, your father's sleep… I should have known."

Now Thor was growing truly worried. He held his mother's hand more tightly. "What happened? The warriors did not mention anything of the sort taking place."

Frigga shook her head. "They do not know. No one does, but your father, Loki and I."

Frigga look his son in the eye. "Thor, there is something about Loki that I and your father have not told you. Either of you. We thought we were doing the right thing by not telling you, but now I wonder if we made a huge mistake by keeping this a secret."

She took in a long breath. "Loki is adopted."

Thor sat up straighter. He must have misheard.

"The only reason we did not tell you or Loki about this was that we did not want him to feel _different_, since it made no difference to us. Your father and I have raised Loki since infancy, and although your brother was not born to us, he is as much our son as you are."

Thor could hardly believe what he was hearing, but Frigga looked serious, and there was no reason for her to lie to him. Now that Thor considered it, Loki had always been somewhat different in appearance from the rest of their family, but even so, this was a huge surprise. Thor had never thought, never even considered that Loki might not be his brother by blood.

The Prince tried to quickly fit this incredible piece of news to the rest of the puzzle, but he had never been very good at seeing the big picture. Frigga did not hurry him, though.

"And… you told this to Loki while I was banished?" Thor frowned.

"Your brother found out about it on his own. When he did, he confronted Odin about it, but I fear they did not have time to resolve the matter before your father succumbed to the Odinsleep." Frigga explained, shaking her head sadly. "I told Loki that it didn't change anything, that he was still ours, but I fear Loki was too upset to listen."

Now Thor could see how this news related to everything else that had taken place, but it still didn't seem like much of an explanation. He frowned in confusion.

A flash of worry passed across Frigga's face. "Loki is still your brother."

Thor's eyes widened. "Yes, of course he is. I know that. I just find it hard to believe that this would be the reason for…" Thor looked down at his brother's sleeping form on the bed.

"There is more to the story." Said Frigga, her eyes on Loki as well. "Your brother was not born on Asgard, but on Jotunheim."

Thor's face went completely slack. "…What?"

"After the war, your father came home with only one eye and a small bundle in his arms. He had found a Frost Giant infant abandoned in one of their temples. The child would have been unnaturally small even for an Aesir, let alone for a Jotun, and had most likely been abandoned for that reason. Jotunheim is a cold and hard place, and the Jotun do not tolerate weakness."

"When your father handed Loki to me, he did not look like a Jotun, but like a healthy Aesir child. Odin told me that the moment he had picked Loki up, the child had shapeshifted so that his skin and features matched those of an Aesir. On that moment your father knew that he could bring the infant with him to Asgard and pass him off as one of us, and no one would know the difference."

Thor opened and closed his mouth several times, but found himself unable to put together an actual sentence. He tried to come up with obvious reasons for why there was no possible way his brother was a Frost Giant, which really should not have been hard at all. There had to be hundreds of foolproof reasons.

_Loki isn't a giant. (Small for a Jotun.) He doesn't look like one of them. (A shapeshifter.) He is… he is not a monster._

Thor turned to look at Loki... his brother. Apart from the unnatural paleness and stillness, Loki looked no different from the last time they had seen each other on Midgard, or when they had travelled together to Jotunheim… Thor's eyes widened. "I took him to Jotunheim."

Frigga nodded without taking her eyes of Loki. "That is how Loki found out. He told me that while you were fighting the Jotun, one of them grabbed his hand, but instead of freezing, his arm… your brother had a sympathetic reaction. A Jotun's touch does not harm another Jotun, you see."

Frigga looked up to take in Thor's reaction. "I understand this is difficult to hear, but you need to remember that it changes nothing. Loki is still your brother, and he is going to need you support when he wakes up. Now more than ever."

And finally Thor had a reason. After he had found Loki in his miserable state, Thor had demanded answers, and now he had them. Yet, he couldn't help but wonder if he would have been happier not knowing.

What if this _did_ change things? What if knowing that Loki was adopted, that he was a… Frost Giant, changed how Thor felt about him?

Thor took Loki's hand in his, and looked at his brother. If Thor could no longer look at Loki exactly the way he used to, the other would notice the difference immediately. Thor had never been able to lie to Loki. To his brother.

A new tear fell on Thor's cheek, and he squeezed his brother's hand a little harder than was perhaps necessary.

_Of course this doesn't change anything_, Thor thought, and was relieved to discover the sentiment sounded sincere enough, at least inside his head. _I almost lost my brother today, but not because I would no longer consider him kin, but because he came this close to slipping away from me._

Thor _hoped_ that he wasn't lying to himself about whether Loki being a Frost Giant changed how Thor felt about him, but he would find out for certain once his brother woke up.

It still felt strange, though. All his life, Thor had considered the Jotun nothing more than their enemies. Monsters. He still hated the Frost Giants for all the horrible things they had done, but Thor could not bring himself to hate Loki. Not even now. Especially not now, when the prospect of loosing his only brother was still fresh on his mind.

_I guess I just can't really wrap my head around the concept that Loki and a Frost Giant are the one and the same. They aren't that in my head, or in my heart._

Thor thought that he should probably say something to his mother, but before he could think of what, the door to the room opened. They both looked up to see a servant bowing at them. "I am sorry to disturb Your Highnesses, but you should know that the Allfather has awoken."

ooo

When Loki stirred, the first thing he noticed was that he hurt all over. The second thing he noticed was that he was not in his own bed. The sheets smelled and felt foreign to his senses. The third thing he noticed was that there was something solid curled around his right hand.

Without stopping to think about it, Loki opened his eyes, and made to pull his hand free. On the up side, the binding, which turned out to be Thor's hand, slipped away from his easily enough. On the down side, the jerky movement startled awake the blond warrior, who had been snoring quietly in a comfortable looking chair next to Loki's bed. The Thunder God's breathing rhythm changed, and his eyebrows drew together, but he didn't yet open his eyes. Yet.

Loki was confused. He reached inside himself for his magic. To Loki's relief, he found that his magic was intact, although his supply was nearly depleted. Putting this detail together with the pain, Loki deducted that he must have gotten injured, and his magic must be running low because his body was instinctually using it to heal him and keep him alive.

Loki would have tried to get up, except that even the small movement that he had made to free his hand had caused a searing flare of pain run through his body, radiating from his stomach area. So, instead Loki tried to move as little as was godly possible, while he quickly went through his memories to orient himself.

_What happened? How did I get here? And why is _Thor_ here? He isn't supposed to be here, he is still…_

Loki's eyes widened, as he remembered clear as day what had happened last night. Or however long ago it had happened. The room, which Loki now recognized as one of the healing rooms of the palace, was dimly-lit and had no windows, which made it impossible for him to estimate how long he had been out of it.

To Loki's right, Thor grumbled something unintelligible, and shifted in his chair. Loki realized Thor was going to open his eyes a few seconds before he actually did so, and the younger man escaped from the situation the only way that was currently available to him. Loki closed his eyes, lay very still, and feigned unconsciousness.

_Go back to sleep_, Loki ordered internally, and made sure to keep his face as devoid of emotion as possible. Not a hard task for as experienced a liar as Loki, even in his groggy state. Loki's… not-friends sometimes called him Silvertongue for his talent in deception, but convincing lying was actually more about body language than anything else.

Loki could hear Thor moving about next to him, probably trying to decipher what had woken him in the first place.

Loki couldn't remember how this situation had come to be, exactly, so he did not know _why_ he was still alive.

But, of course Loki did. It did not take a genius to deduct what _must have_ transpired. It was just that thinking it over made Loki feel even worse about the situation.

Thor was here, in Asgard, which meant he had already been forgiven.

Thor was here, in this room, which meant he did not know the truth. Yet.

Loki was here because someone had found him in the gardens. He had been a fool to have chosen such an exposed corner of the palace.

Loki was alive. For once in his life, he had done the right thing, but since he was an over-all miserable failure, he had failed even at that. This was just… _perfect_.

And now Thor was here. Ready to outshine him like he always did. Ready to do everything better. Ready to remind his wayward brother of his place.

And why _shouldn't _he? Had Loki not just proven to everyone that he was such a weakling that the moment his brother wasn't there to keep him in line, Loki had fallen apart completely? Had he not broken like a twig the moment any true responsibilities and power were placed on his shoulders? Why in the Nine Realms should anyone think him anything _but_ an utter disappointment?

No. That wasn't quite the right word. The notion of disappointment encompassed positive expectations. What did one call a creature so pathetic that there were no plans for it?

Loki could not, would not, meet Thor. Not now. Not like this. Not after he had fallen so far behind. So far from grace. Loki could not bare the self-righteous mockery, the annoyed scorn, and, worse yet, _pity_ that were sure to ensue. He would never again have someone keep him around only out of misplaced sense of duty.

Tolerated _in spite of_ all Loki was. _Never again._

Rattling from Loki's side told him Thor was still alert. The Thunderer was probably trying to move quietly in his chair, but was doing a terrible job at it.

"Brother?" came a voice so hesitant and soft that it actually took Loki a moment to confirm it belonged to his brother. Not-brother.

_So, you are not trying to be quiet, then._ It didn't matter. Loki kept his eyes shut and his face passive. _Go away._

Thor's movements quieted down. Loki had already began to hope his ruse had been successful, when suddenly the unthinkable happened.

Someone placed a hand on Loki's cheek.

Instinct overcame self-control. Loki's eyes snapped open, and he pulled his head back, flinching away from the touch.

"Brother, you are awake!"

_Shit._

TBC


	3. Damage Control

**3. Damage Control**

_Damn._

Loki looked over the tall, blond man hovering next to him. Thor was perched on the edge of his seat, as if he was about to take off. Thor's tunic was a little ruffled from sleep, and he looked tired, worn, and… overjoyed.

"You are awake", Thor repeated, and smiled like a maniac, at a loss for anything more intelligent to add. No big surprise there. Thor had never had much in the way of discretion, or an ability to make circumspect remarks. What was surprising, and frankly a bit worrisome, was that Loki couldn't easily think of a decent counter-accusation.

A couple witty replies sprang to mind, but Loki had a feeling the situation called for something more substantial. He just didn't know how to condense his every conflicting emotion and thought into a single, eloquent, sensible-sounding sentence. Such an unarguable truth even Thor would understand him.

_'I'm a monster',_ was the only one that immediately came to mind, but it sounded pathetic, not to mention whiny, even inside Loki's head. No way was he saying that.

Instead of answering the question immediately, Loki let his eyes wander around the room, trying to buy himself time to go through his options. Appearing disoriented was the same as appearing weak, but Loki knew a much greater weakness would be to speak before he had a watertight plan of action.

Bedridden, and with next to no magic, Loki was inherently at a disadvantage. However, even when cornered, Loki wasn't entirely without means to defend himself. He still had his number one weapon of choice: his words. That was something Loki should not squander.

Loki had already played his hand, and he had played it poorly. But, perhaps, he could salvage what little dignity he had left if he chose his next words carefully. Loki might even be able to turn the situation partly into something not so awful. It wouldn't be an actual _victory_, but Loki had always been better at damage control, anyway. He left winning almost exclusively to Thor.

"We are at the healing rooms", Thor suddenly felt the need to point out.

"I'm suicidal, not blind", Loki stated in a quiet voice, hiding expertly any confusion he felt.

It wasn't the wittiest thing Loki had ever come up with, but it served its purpose of shocking Thor well enough. Loki wasn't proud of the fact that he had tried to end his life. But, since it was pointless to deny it had happened, Loki could try to take some of the edge away from everyone else's accusations by appearing unashamed, and unapologetic, of his cowardly attempt.

People often complained that they had no idea what went through the younger prince's head. This was true, mostly, because Loki's thoughts and preferences were fundamentally different from those of other Asgardians'. In part, it was because Loki often purposefully threw people off-balance with unexpected, and even disturbing remarks.

Although having no one understand his thoughts got lonely, Loki had long ago given up on trying to be more apprehensible. These days, he preferred being an enigma over trying to (desperately) make people see, how he really felt.

When people didn't understand Loki, they couldn't use Loki's weaknesses effectively against him, because they had no idea what he held in high value. This had, of course, led many in Asgard to believe the younger prince cared for nothing, save his own well-being.

To be perfectly honest, Loki had already lost everything he had ever held in value, but there was no reason, why anyone else should know that. Hence, damage control.

Thor frowned, and stammered: "Don't say that."

Loki almost smiled, before he remembered the strategy was to remain passive and aloof. That was just... such a Thor thing to say. It wasn't a very good argument, but it reminded Loki of easier times, when Loki would have gladly made fun of Thor's lack of argumentation skills, and Thor would've laughed right along with him.

However, it had been a long time since Thor had taken Loki's remarks in good humor.

As they both grew up, Thor became more and more aware of his duties as the crown prince. After a while, appearing perfect in everything, and living up to their father's expectations, became so important to Thor that the older brother could no longer stand it, when Loki pointed out his shortcomings. Thus, Loki had learned to choose his words very carefully in Thor's presence.

Well, Loki chose his words carefully in everyone's presence, these days. There were people in Asgard, even people who claimed to be Loki's friends, who would waste no opportunity to ridicule the younger prince's talents and achievements, so Loki had to constantly take precautions.

_Why does everyone hate me so much? Do they know? Did they always know, like Heimdall; even before I did?_

Loki quickly returned his thoughts to more pressing concerns, like answering Thor, but, he eventually decided Thor's comment required no reply.

Thor fidgeted for a while, obviously trying to decide, what to say next. Loki only stared, as unhelpful as ever. Eventually, some of Thor's usual determination returned to his features.

"I should send someone to get mother. She has barely left your bedside as it is, and she made me swear I would let her know the minute you came to", Thor said. He sounded surprisingly serious, but then added, on a brighter note: "She will be so happy to hear you are finally awake. Both our parents will be."

"I doubt it", Loki stated, deadpanning at his not-brother.

In truth, Loki was more surprised and conflicted by Thor's words than he let on. Loki did seriously doubt Odin had much interest in seeing him, but Frigga… Loki hadn't once stopped to consider, how his actions would affect his mother. And, somehow, Frigga was still his mother, and always would be.

In his hurry to end his life, Loki had completely overlooked the one person, who had, if not exactly loved and accepted him for _who he was_, at least not treated Loki as merely the lesser, worthless younger prince. That probably spoke more of Frigga's goodness than any admirable quality on Loki's part, but the fact still remained that his mother had never turned on him.

_You owe them everything. Your life (abandoned), your very being, and _this_ is how you repay her for her kindness (pity)? _A hateful voice sneered inside Loki's head. _You just don't know how to _not _bite the hand that feeds you. You ungrateful runt._

Loki flashed his eyes to Thor, who appeared to still be waiting for an answer. The Thunderer looked nervous, but, also, disgustingly hopeful.

_He doesn't understand that there is nothing even the Mighty Thor can do to make everything alright again. He doesn't know me. (He doesn't know the truth. Not yet.)_

Thor's earlier words implied Loki had been unconscious for a good while now, but Loki knew better than to take the bate and ask Thor about it. It was a trap, an obvious attempt to steer the conversation, and Loki had never been keen on relinquishing control.

When Loki said nothing more, Thor got up. He didn't move far, though. Loki was just starting to get suspicious of what Thor _really_ wanted, when his not-brother asked: "Will you be okay if I step outside? I will only be gone a moment."

Loki _scowled_.

This was far worse than he had expected. Loki had been extremely surprised at how not-angry Thor appeared to be at him, all things considered. Now, however, Loki was seriously considering coaxing Thor into a fit of rage at the first opportunity. At least rage might distract the Thunderer from how defeated, pitiful, and beneath Thor's notice Loki was.

Loki knew his expression was far from neutral now, but he still said nothing. Thor, on the other hand, appeared to be between staying and going, which, in practice, meant standing still, while looking increasingly nervous and impatient.

Suddenly, Thor called out in his loud, booming voice. Loki was startled by the sudden sound. It was extremely bad manners to holler in the healing rooms, but, then again, Thor had always been above such trivial things as rules.

A servant came in almost immediately. In a more quiet voice, Thor told the man to go get the king and queen. The servant bowed, and made his exit. During the exchange, the servant glanced Loki's way only once. When his eyes met Loki's, the nervous man looked away and left with haste.

Loki felt like calling after him that crazy wasn't contagious, but, then thought better of it. Who knew, perhaps crazy _was_ contagious, for it certainly appeared to be running in a family Loki wasn't born into.

The younger prince didn't want to face Odin or Frigga right now, but he didn't voice his wish. Partly, because Loki didn't want to ask Thor for a favor, but, mostly, because he knew the Thunderer would ignore his wishes anyway, no matter how much Loki argued and pleaded his case. Thor had obviously already made up his mind, and, for some reason, Thor's opinion was always more important than Loki's.

Loki decided he would hurt less if he appeared indifferent to the matter. He preferred not getting his way, because his preferences were unknown, _any day_ over voicing his wishes, only to have them mocked, laughed at, and stomped to the ground.

So, Loki remained quiet. However, as he observed his not-brother walking back to the chair, and seating himself, Loki realized it wasn't _just_ anger and annoyance he felt toward the Thunderer.

A part of Loki did not object to Thor being here. At all. Loki had always enjoyed attention, after all. Good more than bad, but Loki wasn't particular. He couldn't afford to be.

Even after everything that had happened during the past few days, or, to be more accurate, the past few _centuries_, a part of Loki was _shamefully_ pleased to have so much of Thor's attention directed at him. Thinking back on the beginning of this conversation, Loki realized he couldn't remember the last time Thor had looked so happy to see _him,_ or had considered him so intensely. Like Loki mattered. Like Thor _really_ cared about him.

Loki quickly suppressed that thought. It was a lie; one Loki had told himself time and time again. Whenever Thor mocked Loki for his interest in 'womanly arts', or was especially angry at him over some prank Loki had played, or, worst of all, ignored Loki altogether, younger man remained calm by reminding himself that his brother was a jerk, but a jerk who, deep down, cared for him.

_It is a comforting lie, but a lie, nonetheless, and although lies have their uses, nothing good ever came of believing in your own imaginings._ T_hor doesn't care about me. He only cares about being perfect._

The thought weighed a ton, squashing any feelings of hope that had kindled inside Loki at the first sight of the delighted look on Thor's face. Loki felt crushed, inside and out, but tried not to let it show. If Thor knew, how Loki really felt, it would only make things worse.

"Loki… please say something."

Loki's eyes narrowed. Begging was… unexpected. Out of character, even. Thor ordered, talked people into, and occasionally asked for favors, but he never begged. Not from Loki.

The irony was that Loki hadn't consciously chosen silent treatment as a means of unnerving Thor. Mostly, because it had never worked in the past; Thor would barge into Loki's rooms, ignorant and uncaring of what had caused Loki's foul mood in the first place, and would pester him until Loki finally gave in, and acknowledged Thor's presence.

Now, with the blond man fidgeting in his seat, Thor looked almost vulnerable. A bit like he had looked back on Midgard, when Loki had gone to tell him lies laced with truths. Loki found that he almost felt sorry for the anxious man before him.

_Maybe, Thor's time on Midgard _has_ changed him_, Loki considered, but he discarded the notion quickly.

_No one learns true humility in a few days. Thor has just gotten lucky, and completed Odin's task already, or Odin has changed Thor's sentence upon being abruptly reminded that he needs to have a _reliable_ heir at hand. 'So what if Thor started a few wars; at least he is Aesir.'_

_Perhaps, a combination of both. But Thor has not _changed_. He is still the reckless, callous, and temperamental man I know him to be._

Actually, taking into consideration said temperament, it should not be too taxing for Loki to manipulate his not-brother into playing right into Loki's hand. All Loki had to do, to get under Thor's skin this time, was to tell the truth.

_Thor will be outraged. He will leave. He might even attack me, since he owes me a beating for all the trouble I have caused him, and, since we are no longer brothers, he will have ____no reason to hold back. _

_Loki sighed internally. __Better to get it over with, then. _

If Loki waited any longer, he knew he would hurt even more when the truth finally came out, and Thor would hate him, as much as he hated himself. A desperate smile found its way on Loki's lips at the irony of the situation.

_If I play my hand right, I might still get my wish._

ooo

Thor had no idea, what he should say next. A part of him wished their parents would already get here, though, another part was grateful for this opportunity to talk to Loki in private.

The problem was that Thor had always been better at _doing_ things than talking about them. He didn't know how to show his brother how deeply he cared for him, or prove to Loki that he would be missed if anything happened to him. Not knowing what to do made Thor feel even more powerless than loosing his godly powers a few days back had.

First, when Loki had woken up, Thor had simply been happy that Loki was getting better, and then relieved that he himself got to be present, when his brother finally came to. Thor had promised their mother that he would help Loki, and had barely left Loki's bedside during the last four days, but the Thunderer had still feared that his brother would choose one of the moments Thor wasn't present to regain consciousness.

Consequently, Thor had had a lot of time to consider, what he would say to Loki, when the time came. Actually, Thor had put more forethought into this conversation than any other before in his life, but, so far, the talk had gone very differently from what Thor had expected. More precisely, in Thor's presumption, there had been an actual talk.

Thor had thought that, when Loki woke, the hardest part would be convincing him that it didn't matter that they weren't brothers by blood. It was, after all, the reason Loki had done what he had done. Thor wanted to help to correct Loki's misguided thoughts, but he needed to first get his brother to voice them.

Thor had expected Loki to be either very sad, very angry, or that Loki would use his clever words to deny the whole thing had ever happened. Thor wasn't sure if he knew how to console or calm Loki, especially a Loki, who pretended like nothing was wrong, but something Thor had most certainly not been prepared to handle was silence. Thor hadn't expected Loki to be this quiet, hurt, and angry husk of his usual self.

Loki was known for choosing his words carefully, but no one in Asgard would have called him _quiet_ by any stretch of the word. Now the young man was silent to the point of terrifying.

Loki was never this quiet, and, although under different circumstances, Thor may not have noticed any change in behavior, today, it unnerved the brave Thunderer. Thor had looked forward to having Loki back, but this spiteful being was a far-cry from the brother he remembered.

_Mother said Loki might be difficult about this_, Thor reminded himself. _He is hurt, and lost, and I need to be patient with him._

Thor looked at the man lying on the bed. For a few moments, Loki looked as though his mind was a million miles away, but then he focused on Thor again, smiling. Thor would have been very happy to see Loki smile if the expression wasn't so forced, bitter, and, worst of all, desperate.

_Oh yeah, this will be a _lot_ harder than I thought._

"Come to gloat, have you?" Loki's voice was still quiet, but also a tad too bitter to pass as nonchalant. Thor was surprised by the unexpected words, though, at this point, of course, any words from Loki were unexpected.

Thor wasn't entirely sure how to answer, so he decided to go with honesty. "Brother, I have no idea what you are referring to."

Loki's eyes narrowing in disbelief wasn't an unusual reaction from his brother, but it still made Thor feel like he was at a test, and had just failed.

_The analogy is accurate, indeed_, Thor mused.

The Warriors Four had always thought Thor blind to his brother's misdeeds, but that wasn't really the case. Thor knew Loki could be very difficult, when he wanted to be. However, Thor also knew that more than half of Loki's pranks were more about _testing_ things than about making mischief. Loki tested his own limits, people's patiences, and their trust in him.

It was actually sort of strange that Loki felt such a strong need to test same things over and over again. It was almost like Loki _expected_ such things as love and trust to be easily swayed, and that his family would tell him they didn't love him anymore, if he played one prank too many. It was kind off... worrisome, really.

"Forgiven already, I see", Loki changed the subject, still attempting to sound conversational. "I have to admit, I am surprised this banishment of yours lasted even as long as it did. A day would have been more than sufficient, in most people's opinion, I dare wager."

"I still have reckoning left to do for my mistakes", Thor replied solemnly. "But you are correct in presuming that I am no longer banished, and, for that, I am grateful. I was able to return home, where I am needed the most."

On the last words, Thor smiled encouragingly at his brother, wanting Loki to know there was nowhere in the Nine Realms he would rather be, than at home, with Loki. Somehow, though, his words had a completely opposite effect on the younger man. Loki's expression was one of barely contained anger.

"Of course", his brother spit out, sarcastic. "Of course _you_ are needed here. What would Asgard do, without her golden prince? Fall apart, surely, in the hands of that good-for-nothing brother of his. Gods forbid, there should be any trust placed in _his_ capabilities."

Loki's expressive eyebrows shot up in fake concern. "I, for one, am glad Odin finally came to his senses, and forgave you for all your misgivings. _S____urely,_the golden prince has so many honorable and manly qualities that all his faults deserve to be overlooked."

"Loki, that is not what I meant. Just let me..."

"The _rightful heir_ had to return." Loki hissed, eyes narrowing. "Because Odin could not risk leaving a Frost Giant sitting on the throne of Asgard!"

"Brother, if you would just..."

"I am not your brother! I never was! I am the monster parents tell their children about at night! You, Thor Odinson, are a _fool_ to have ever believed any other!"

As Loki shouted, he pushed himself on his elbows, crouching closer to Thor. He breathed laboriously, staring at Thor with such intensity that it was hard for the Thunderer not to pull back, but Thor managed to hold his ground.

Loki's expression morphed; first into a look of irate confusion, but, eventually, his face settled into a confused glare. "You already knew."

"I… Yes. Mother told me after… After I got back from Midgard."

"Well, it all makes sense now, doesn't it?" Loki's tone took another sharp twist. "This explains, why I was always so different. Why I never fitted in. You must be so _relieved. _Having a weak, unworthy failure for a brother must have been such a _burden_ on you, a source of shame on all of Asgard. You must have felt such _relief_ upon learning the truth behind Odin's deceit."

"No, Loki, it's nothing like that. This doesn't change anything…"

"Liar!" Loki hissed, somehow managing to shout without raising his voice. Tears were gathering in the corners of his eyes, but Loki's voice still held true. "You are lying."

Thor smiled weakly. "You know better than anyone, how terrible I am at deceit, brother."

Loki shook his head, biting his lip angrily. "You lie to yourself, when you say things haven't changed, because they _have_. I am not your brother, and the sooner you get that through to your thick skull, the sooner we can end this _ridiculous_ charade."

The conversation wasn't going very well, but Thor had never been one to give up easily. He just needed to get Loki to listen to him, to get Loki to _understand_.

Thor took a deep breath. "Loki, I know you are upset, but the truth of the matter is that, even if we share no blood, you are still my brother. I care about you, and so do our parents, and our friends. There is no reason for you to feel this way."

Loki's eyebrows pulled together, and he frowned in disbelief, shaking his head. Then his expression turned into something between hate and grief, like Loki couldn't quite decide whether to yell or weep. When Loki spoke, he stuttered a bit, like he couldn't quite find the right words to represent his thoughts, and that was when Thor knew Loki was extremely upset still. Loki never stumbled with words.

"Oh, so it is _I, _who am mistaken? Well, thank Gods, I have _you_ to tell me just how wrong I am_._ I suppose poor, irrational little Loki is just _confused_, and needs a strong, wise man, such as yourself, to guide him away from these wrongheaded, foolish feelings of betrayal he has gotten into his pretty little head."

Loki's stare intensified. Either he didn't notice the single tear escaping his eyes, or he just didn't care anymore. "That is what you meant, yes? Since there is no _reason_ for me to feel betrayed, the fault is all _mine_ for feeling that way. You know, Thor, you have finally learned how to sound as patronizing as Odin. Was that, perhaps, the lesson your father wanted you to learn on Midgard? If so, you have done a remarkable job."

"Loki, brother, I didn't mean it like that."

"True. You didn't mean to say it _like_ that, but you still _meant_ it", Loki snarled back. "You think that my feelings don't matter, because there is no _reason,_ why I should feel them. Don't even try to deny it, I can see right through you. You think that, since you are superior in every way, it is your duty to remind your wayward little brother of _his place._"

It seemed that, no matter what Thor said, Loki turned his words against him. Arguing with Loki was an improvement over the intense silence earlier, but not by much. Thor remembered that he had originally intended to talk to his brother to make Loki feel better about himself. To make Loki see that death wasn't the answer.

_Looks like I've achieved exactly the opposite._

"You are angry at me", Thor stated. It wasn't a question, but Thor still took the following silence as a 'yes'.

Thor looked Loki in the eye. "I know not, what I have done to offend you, but I am sorry."

Despite the stray tears running down Loki's face, the young man was able to pull together a wide smile. "What makes you think I need a _reason_ to feel anything? Perhaps, resentment and unfairness are simply a part of my monstrous nature, the one I am only now revealing."

Thor frowned. "You are not a monster."

"I let the Jotun into Asgard, on the day of your coronation." The words fell from Loki's lips smoothly, without any emotion or hesitation. After saying them, Loki fell quiet, staring at Thor with an expecting look, as if he already knew, how Thor would react.

"Why?" Thor asked, frustrated and sad. He hated to hear his brother speak of such a serious matter so coolly.

"Because you are an arrogant fool, and I wanted all the realm to see you for what you _really_ are."

Thor nodded in resign. "I have been a fool, haven't I? You may have let the Jotun in, but the rest of this mess is on me. My fault. I can see that now. What I was really asking, or trying to confirm, is that you weren't _trying_ to commit treason, by returning the Casket of Ancient Winters to the Jotun, were you?"

Loki looked outraged, barely holding back more tears: "Is that what the Idiots Four _told _you I was doing?!"

After a few deep breaths, Loki schooled his emotions, and continued in a more conversational tone: "Though really, I shouldn't be so surprised. You and your lot did always expect the absolute worse out of me, no matter how many times I saved you all."

Thor did feel a pang of guilt at the truth in Loki's words. Thor had, perhaps, taken Loki for granted more often than was fair. Even so, Thor hadn't, for a moment, truly believed his brother was a traitor.

Even if Loki had done treasonous things, _surely_ that had not been his intention. Loki was always getting into trouble, but deliberately betraying Asgard was a different matter. Loki would not have done that. He just couldn't have. And yet, Thor needed to hear it from Loki.

"But, Loki, you _weren't_ conspiring with the Jotun against Asgard, right? Tell me you weren't."

There was fire (thankfully, only metaphorical) burning in Loki's eyes.

"What power, in all the Nine Realms, could possess me to_ want to _ally myself with those despicable monsters?! I let three Jotun into Asgard, because I knew they never stood an actual change of getting to the Casket. And, if Heimdall has told you that I am plotting Asgard's demise with the king of the Frost Giants, tell the Guardian that he would do well to keep his _ignorant_ and _biased_ guesses to himself."

Loki turned his head, looking away from Thor. "The world would be a better place, with all the Frost Giants dead."

Thor only barely caught Loki's last sentence, no louder than a whisper, but as the implications of what his brother was saying hit home, Thor's eyes widened in horror.

"NO! Don't say that. Frost Giants aren't monsters. Not all of them, at least. And they don't all deserve to die just for being what they _are_."

Loki closed his eyes, a sad smile playing on his lips. "Ah, but the Frost Giant _in question_ has done plenty to prove his monstrosity. He came very close to killing the heir to the throne of Asgard, through deceit and lies, no less."

Thor's forehead wrinkled. "I know not, what you are talking about. The way I remember it, you tried to _help me_ at every turn. You tried to talk me out of going to Jotunheim, and tried to talk the Jotun into letting us leave unharmed. When that didn't work, because of my desire for battle, you fought by my side, and even defended me to our father, when I was too angry and arrogant to realize, how thin the ice under my feet was. Where, in all that, did you do me harm?"

Thor was very pleased with his argument. It wasn't often he was able to use logic and evidence to prove his point.

Loki looked mildly annoyed, but was still determined to prove his own point: "You were banished, and made mortal, as a direct consequence of my malicious and deliberate actions against you. I may not have killed you, but I sharpened the executioner's knife, and passed it along."

Thor smiled confidently: "You would never hurt me, brother."

Loki's anger flared.: "Don't count on it, Odinson! You don't know me, and you have no idea what I am capable of!"

There appeared to be nothing that could anger Loki more than Thor saying something nice about him. Why was Loki so determined to fill the role of the villain in all this?

Loki had, again, risen from his bed as he spoke. Now, he winced, and lay back down. Thor, upon being reminded Loki was still recovering, tried to help him down gently, but was stopped by Loki's glare.

Thor felt sadness seep into his voice. "Brother, I wish you wouldn't say things like that. I love you, and, as I already told you, it doesn't matter to me, what species you were born into."

Loki shook his head, but wouldn't meet Thor's eyes. "What is this new-found love for the Frost Giants? _You_ could have killed them all with your bare hands only days ago", Loki challenged.

"I've changed", Thor answered solemnly.

"So have I", Loki whispered, looking up to meet his eyes, and then snarled: "Why haven't you attacked me yet?!"

"I… I would never hurt you, broth…"

"Don't lie to me! You have hurt me many times in the past, for lesser crimes, so don't claim ignorance now! What the hel did you expect to happen, anyway, when you burst back from your banishment, without father's consent, and challenged my right to the throne?! "

Thor was taken aback by Loki's words. Had Loki truly thought Thor had come back to Asgard to fight his brother?

It was, of course, true that Loki and Thor_ had_ fought in the past; they had been raised as brothers, after all. But Thor had never _seriously_ injured Loki. There were times, when Thor had been very angry at his younger brother, but never so angry as to bring Loki true suffering.

As soon as Loki _yielded_, and _apologized _for his misdeeds, Thor had always let him go.

In this moment, Thor felt many strong emotions, but anger wasn't even among the most potent. Thor supposed that, under different circumstances, he would have taken offense to Loki's cruel words, but, right now, he felt too much pity for the young man to become angry him.

There was real hate in Loki's eyes, true, but it didn't take someone with great people skills to see that most of that hate was directed at himself. Now that Thor was thinking about it, disowning his family was, perhaps, just another way Loki was punishing _himself_ for something that really wasn't Loki's fault.

Loki was still trying to hurt _himself,_ just this time without a knife. Thor wished desperately there was more he could do to help. All Thor really wanted to do, was scoop his brother into his arms, and never let go.

_Why does Loki have to make things so hard on himself? Why can't he just accept that his family loves him, and be happy?_

Thor had never been good with words, so he decided to stop trying. Instead, he leaned forward, wanting to show Loki how much he cared for him with his actions, rather than with words.

ooo

Loki blamed it on his current physical weakness that it took him longer than usual to realize what Thor was trying to do. When the situation finally registered, however, the Trickster God was swift to react accordingly.

Shoving Thor's arms away with a quick movement of his hand, Loki nearly shrieked: "What do you think you are doing? Don't _touch_ me!"

"Loki", Thor sighed, visibly disappointed in the misguided creature before him. Loki looked away. He couldn't handle any more disappointment directed at him just now.

"What is the meaning of this?"

Loki and Thor's attention snapped simultaneously toward the newcomer. They had been so busy fighting that neither had noticed the door open.

Loki scowled as well as he could, and discreetly wiped his tears in the sheets.

_Perfect_.

If there was such a thing as Lokisleep, now would be an ideal moment to fall into it. Not, because Loki was tired, or needed to escape from the situation, but because it would serve _him_ right to get a taste of his own medicine.

TBC

()()()

**A/N**

In this chapter, Loki is being difficult, childish, and whiny. Sorry about that.

I do think Loki is a better, more mature person than he comes across in this. However, considering how irrational and paranoid Loki's speeches and actions were toward the end of the movie, I think he needs a bit more time to get his act together. Right now, Loki is questioning himself, and has lost faith in everyone around him. Loki will get more sensible soon, though he'll still be pretty damaged.

Thor needs to be less self-righteous if he wants to get through to Loki (read: past Loki's massive inferiority complex). I don't see those two talking over all their issues in one sitting, because Loki and Thor's problems run much deeper than one botched up coronation, one hidden adoption, and a generous portion of lies.

In the movie, when the brothers fight at the end, they aren't even having the same conversation, because they have had such fundamentally different story arcs until that point that neither is able to see things from the other's point of view. Also, I don't believe Loki ever, during the film, really wanted to kill Thor. Loki snapped, and tried to kill everyone, but, before that, Loki took great pains to keep his big brother, and everyone else, alive on Jotunheim.

In my mind, this whole tragedy wasn't caused by an unfortunate misunderstanding on Loki's part, either. Did Loki overreact? Yes. _But,_ no one, who doesn't doubt they are loved, would immediately jump to all the worst conclusions upon hearing he is adopted. Or do such desperate, mad things to earn his parents' acceptance. I think Loki has had, much prior to the events of the movie, _concrete reasons_ to doubt his parents' love for him. We will get to those in later chapters. Especially Odin has much to answer for.

_Disclaimer: I don't own any places, characters or events taken from Thor movie._


	4. Broken Trust

**A/N**

In this story, italicized sentences normally represent the point-of-view character's direct thoughts. However, when an entire point of view is in italics, it is a flashback scene. Not that you wouldn't have figured that out, just thought I'd give you the heads up.

This story is set completely in Marvel movieverse, not comics or mythology. That said, some past events in this fic are loosely inspired by events from mythology. Only _very_ _loosely_, though, because, in the movie world, the characters are more humane and down to earth, so, in my opinion, the original myths would be too odd and gross to fit in with the movie plot and characters. Most of Loki's issues are based on things that happened or were implicitly or explicitly referred to in Thor movie. References to mythological sounding events are not references to the original myths, and Norse mythology is not part of this story's canon.

The whole predestination thing, for one, doesn't sit well with me. I like writing AU stories that _don't_ ultimately lead to the canon ending. Still, in my opinion, when movie-Loki was talking to Odin in the Weapons Vault, he seemed pretty convinced Odin wasn't the type of person to take in a child without a hidden agenda, so I thought I would incorporate some retold myths in my fic to explain why Loki feels that way. The flashbacks give you an idea of what Loki and Thor's life in Asgard has been like.

Ahem, well, enough with ranting and on with the story.

()()()

**Broken Trust**

_Loki walked into his father's private study, nervous and unsure of what to expect. It wasn't often he was invited before the Allfather without any warning, or any idea what he was being punished for this time. As far as Loki knew, he had done nothing punishment-worthy of late, which, of course, did not lessen the young man's worry. There was always the very real possibility that Loki would be brought in front of the king to answer for someone else's mischief._

_In situations like that, especially when the offense was minor, it was usually better Loki pleaded guilty, and faced his punishment like a champ. Unless Loki had waterproof evidence of his innocence, which, considering the "mysterious" nature of his notable magical powers, he rarely had, Loki would likely end up bearing the punishment, regardless. The punishment would also be more severe if Loki "lied" about his guilt first._

_The younger prince relaxed a little, when he noticed that it would be just him and Odin in the study. Surely, if Loki had been summoned here to be punished, there would be witnesses._

_Loki greeted his father with a slightly deeper bow than usual, just to be on the safe side, and took the seat offered to him, in an armchair next to his father's. The king's personal study was elliptical, dimly lit, and much smaller than most would have guessed. Since the sun was already down, and the magical lights weren't on, the only source of light in the room was the central fire._

_Odin was sitting in his armchair by the fire. The stark illumination made him look old and a bit intimidating. Loki gulped. The silence, too, was a bad sign. Perhaps, he was being given a chance to confess, but to what, Loki did not know, so he remained respectfully silent, and waited for Odin to say something._

_Thankfully, the Allfather spoke almost as soon as Loki was seated. Odin sounded tired and strong, all at once, but not angry, which was most encouraging._

"_Loki. It has been a while since we have seen each other, but I hear you have been well. Have you made progress in your studies?"_

"_Well, I am working on several projects right now, and although none are complete, I think they hold promise." Loki did not feel the need to specify that those projects were mostly to do with how to better avoid Heimdall's detection, and how to travel between the realms without the help of the Bifrost. Loki was getting most of Asgard's unexplained felonies pinned on his head anyway; he did not look forward to being held accountable for misdeeds that took place in the other realms, as well._

_Loki answered politely and vaguely, all the while wondering, why he had been summoned in the first place. It made sense that Odin wouldn't want to talk about Loki's magic studies publicly, but that was hardly a reason to summon him unexpectedly, and without telling him, what the meeting was about. No, the Allfather always had a reason for the things he did, which meant something was going on._

_Odin nodded. "I am glad to hear that."_

_Loki's curiosity was starting to overcome his concern, so he decided to venture a little: "You sound tired, father. Is something the matter? Does something trouble you?"_

_Odin didn't answer, but his lips tightened, so Loki was pretty sure he had guessed correctly. Odin got up and walked over to the window, gesturing for Loki to join him._

"_Tell me, my son, what do you think of the new wall?"_

_Loki looked out to the moonlit city, and at the outline of the nearly-finished, new wall around it. "It is a magnificent construction. Stronger and more slender than any previous wall in the history of the realm. I think you made a wise decision when ordering it."_

_Loki was even telling the truth. He wasn't much of an architecture buff, but even he could appreciate a masterpiece. Most importantly, however, Loki was happy about the wall because it represented change. In the Realm Eternal, changes were few and far apart, so Loki had been excited, when he had heard that the old city wall would be pulled down, and replaced with a new one._

_For a while now, Loki had felt that Asgard was too conservative on a great deal of matters. He could also understand the need to start off with something small. The road to socio-economic changes began with little steps, but that little step was long due. Hopefully, if the new wall was well-received by the people, it would be the first change in a line of many. _That_ was something Loki looked forward to, even if some discord was bound to ensue. Maybe even because of it. Asgard could use some shaking up. Perhaps, if people were more open about their disagreements, they wouldn't pin every mishap on the convenient usual suspect._

"_It is a good wall", Odin finally pitched in, in a tone that left Loki waiting for the 'but'. "My only concern is the price."_

_Loki perked up. That almost sounded like Odin wanted to hear Loki's opinion on something. Could the reason for Loki's presence here truly be that simple and.. desirable? Was Odin finally placing some faith in his younger son's input, while making decisions for the realm?_

_Loki tried to quickly remember, what the price of the wall had been, but couldn't. _Damn. Not a very good start.

"_And what was the price, again, my king?" Loki was forced to check._

"_The Moon and the Sun", Odin answered._

_And now Loki was sure he had never actually heard what the price was, for he would have certainly remembered that one. The Moon and the Sun were two of the greatest jewels in all of Asgard. The royal family had no shortage of treasures, of course, but it would be a great loss of prestige for Odin, if word were to spread that the King of Asgard was forced to barter away heirlooms._

_The builders were from Svartalheim, which would explain, how they had had the nerve to ask such a price. No one in Asgard would have risked making an enemy out of the King, but the foreigners must have relished in the knowledge that the price was something even Asgard could not easily afford. This was a power play._

_Come to think of it, Loki doubted there were many in Asgard, who knew the price of the wall. If it was common knowledge, Loki would have heard gossip of it at some point._

"That_ is the price the builders asked?" Loki tried to hide his own astonishment and sound politely casual._

"_Yes. I agreed to the deal on the condition that the wall would be completed in half of the time originally proposed. If the work is delayed, the builders receive only a nominal fee."_

_Loki was starting to see where this was going. "Ah. And when is the deadline?"_

"_A week from now. My advisers tell me that if nothing unexpected happens, it looks like the wall will be completed by then."_

"_Yes", Loki agreed. "If nothing unexpected happens."_

Which would explain, why you have summoned the God of Unexpected Things to have this chat with.

_Odin turned to look at Loki, his voice very stern: "If the builders suspect foul play, the scandal will be enormous. Anyone found guilty of such malignity, would be subject to a harsh punishment. A punishment they would bare alone, for the blame would be on an individual. If Asgard, as a kingdom, would even be suspected, the political repercussions would be too great to consider."_

In other words,_ Loki thought._ If you get caught, no one will come to your aid.

_Loki considered the Allfather's proposition, but, despite the risks, he could not say 'no'. The young man did feel a flinch of guilt at the thought of cheating honest builders out of their earnings, but the guilt was surpassed by the perceived merits. _

_Loki was finally being given an opportunity to prove his worth in the eyes of his father, by using his skills for the good of the realm. _

This is the chance I have been waiting for. Thor would not back down from a risky mission, and nor will I.

_Loki nodded to Odin. They spoke no further on the matter that night._

ooo

"What is the meaning of this?"

The Allfather's question hung in the air, demanding to be answered. Odin himself stood in the doorway to the recovery room. Loki reflected that the king managed to somehow appear larger than his actual size warranted. Although Thor and Loki had both outgrown their father, Odin would always be head and shoulders above the rest of the world.

Odin was accompanied by his usual air of superiority, traces of magical power drizzling in the air. Even though Loki's quick eyes could make out shadows under the king's eye, and weariness in his posture, both tell-tale signs that the ruler had not yet fully recovered from Odinsleep, power and authority were still the primary features present on Odin's being. The king looked regal and stern, reserved and yet demanding respect merely by existing. Looking as ready as ever to enforce his divine judgment upon his humble subjects.

Every bit a king. Everything Loki needed to be, but wasn't, and now they all knew why.

_I wanted nothing more than to make you proud of me._

Against his will and better judgment, Loki's anger was on the rise again. He took in a deep breath to calm himself, but immediately regretted it. Changes in breathing pattern were some of the easiest tells to notice, and Loki would rather keep his emotions to himself. He had no intentions of repeating his humiliating breakdown in the Weapons Vault.

Loki straightened up to a full sitting position. Making sure to keep all the pain brought by this sudden physical effort off of his face, he turned to meet Odin's one eye squarely.

Odin's expression was... unreadable.

"Loki has awoken", Thor, a bit belatedly, answered his father's question. Of course, Thor's words didn't really answer anything; they gave no explanation for the visible tension and hostility between the once-brothers.

Loki looked to Thor. A smile had returned to brighten the golden prince's face. Thor looked as though nothing was amiss about the situation. Like Loki waking up and acting ungrateful and childish was something to rejoice over.

Odin nodded, accepting this answer and willing to let the real question slide for now.

Loki didn't say anything. Thor was still smiling, though on closer inspection, the expression was quite forced. It seemed that the Thunderer was deliberately avoiding to answer Odin's question by playing dumb, which was more deceit and tact than Loki had thought Thor capable of. Perhaps, Loki had underestimated him.

At the moment, however, Loki could not afford to divide his attention between his not-brother and not-father simultaneously, and, of the two, Odin had to take priority. Figuring Thor out would have to wait.

"I can see that", Odin said, after it became evident no one else in the room was about to say anything. "That is good news."

The Allfather took a few steps forward. The door closed behind him magically.

"How are you, my son?" Odin asked, sounding reserved but sincere. Loki had, however, learned not to put all that much faith in the Allfather's words. His actions, on the other hand, were most telling. Despite the kindness in Odin's words, his face remained distant and watchful. He didn't come close. Just like in the Weapons Vault, Odin was careful to keep a physical and emotional distance between them.

Loki would not make the mistake of revealing his own emotions and weaknesses again. Not now that he knew Odin had no intentions of meeting him halfway.

"Not dead", Loki replied, granting Odin a fake, calm smile. He would not give this man the pleasure of knowing, how Odin's actions and words had destroyed him. Well, more so than was apparent.

Odin's expression was a combination of emotions. Disappointment, mostly. Unsurprisingly. There was also anger, and calculation, and something Loki couldn't quite put his finger on. Had he not known better, Loki might have identified it as grief.

The dark-haired man narrowed his eyes. He felt like screaming: _If you are sorry now, it is too little, too late, and for all the wrong reasons._

_I did everything you ever asked. And all this time, you knew. You knew how much I wanted your love, and you knew you could never love me like a son, but instead of coming clean with the truth, you chose to hide it from me. You waved the possibility of earning your respect, maybe even getting the throne, before me for _years, _knowing full well, it was never meant to be._

_All this time, you knew the depths of my despair, and yet you made me think, and _hope,_ that one day, you would be proud of me. You took advantage of me._

Loki pulled his hands into fists under the blanket. Not because he had the urge to hit someone, as the gesture might have been seen as. Loki was a different sort of creature.

He dug his nails deep into the palms of his hands, and immediately felt a little better. The small prickling pain in his hands didn't lessen the pain in his heart, but it brought his mind back to the here and now in a dull, practical, manageable way. It was a trick Loki had learned years ago, when he was no older than seven or eight. By then, Loki had discovered that if he cried whenever he became upset, most of the time it only made matters worse. The people taunting him were only encouraged by tears, and by crying, he ran the risk of appearing a weak in front of all of Asgard.

Later in life, Loki had learned other ways to distract himself from his hurt. He would remain silent, but plot tricks to befall his tormentors. Clever and personalized tricks, most of which he never carried out, but the thought alone made him feel better.

Another effective strategy Loki had picked up over the years was to tell himself whoever had offended him this time hadn't really _meant_ to hurt him. But, some days, it was hard to believe so. Days like the ones after Thor's banishment, for example.

Lady Sif's actions during that time could not easily be interpreted as well-meaning for Loki. When she and the Warriors Three had come to see him in the throne room, Sif had all but attacked Loki. And for what? For reminding her that the Allfather's orders still stand, even when the king is _momentarily_ unavailable?

Loki and Sif had never really gotten along, which, admittedly, wasn't her fault more than his, but they had known each other most their lives, and had gone to countless battles together. What had Loki ever done, he now wondered, to provoke her to attack him like that, in the throne room, with witnesses all around them?

Odin was still silent, as was Thor. What could any of them say to one another that would be of benefit to the situation? Loki could think of very few productive turns of conversation. Quite possibly, he should apologize, and promise not to do it again? Or would that be a bit transparent?

Loki let his gaze return to Odin.

Even now, even after Loki had learned for a fact that Odin didn't care about him, and never had. Even now, if Odin told him there was still a chance for Loki to make him proud, Loki wasn't sure, what his own reaction would be.

If Loki was presented with a task, no matter how arduous, no matter how _impossible_, he would probably do it. Or rather, he would either do it or die trying. All his life, Loki had wanted Odin's acceptance. It was hard to stop craving it even now, with the truth finally out. Well, one of the truths, for Loki, if anyone, knew just how many secrets Odin kept.

Loki reminded himself that it had all been a lie. Loki had never been even a contestant for the Allfather's love and respect. To Odin, Loki was nothing more than a pawn; a thing to be used, not a person to be valued. Not realizing this truth earlier was Loki's mistake, but one he would not repeat.

Odin was about to say something more, when the door opened.

Frigga, unlike Odin, did not halt in the doorway, but immediately walked over to Loki, and sat on his bed. Without a word, Frigga took one of Loki's hands into hers, and squeezed it. Loki returned the silent gesture, grateful for the chance to gather himself.

"I am here, my son", was all she said. Loki nodded stiffly, not trusting his voice to hold. Frigga smiled a little at that, although there was still an undeniable sadness in her presence. Loki was, at least in part, to be blamed for the wrinkles shadowing her lovely features.

Although the silence between Frigga and Loki was a comfortable one, and probably the only thing that enabled Loki not to burst into tears at the sight of her, Loki found himself wishing he could be absolutely sure of her feelings for him.

These people he used to call parents, had lied to him his entire life, and as much as Loki didn't want to doubt Frigga, he realized that a part of him did, and had, for a long time. Loki had doubted that his parents loved him, or more specifically, that they loved him as much as they loved Thor. He had worried over this a lot longer than he'd known he was adopted. Although Loki had always believed in Frigga's love more than in Odin's, he couldn't, even now, be absolutely certain of it.

In the past, Frigga had told Loki that she loved him, and Loki had wanted to believe her. But when Loki had asked her, why they hadn't told him the truth about his heritage, her words had been most discouraging. She had simply said that this changed nothing, since Loki was still theirs. That they were still his parents; that they still had ownership over him. Even if they really weren't the sort of parents Loki would have wanted them to be, and would never love him the way they loved Thor, he should not ask for more.

Instead of telling Loki that she loved him exactly the way he was, Frigga had emphasized that they had lied him to protect him from the truth. The truth being, it seemed, that Frost Giants _were_ monsters, and if Loki was not protected from knowing he was one of them, he was sure to become just as bad as they were.

_Is it already too late? Am I already the sort of monster you cannot love?_

Frigga was being considerate and tactful, as always, and Loki _was_ grateful for it. That said, what Loki needed, right now, was affirmation. Even at the risk of breaking down in front of Odin again. Even at the risk of not liking the answers. Yet, Loki just couldn't get the words out. Couldn't bring himself to ask.

Which was all for the best, if his questions would sound even half as pathetic and whiny out loud, as they did inside his mind. Besides, what good would asking do? She either loved him, or she didn't; begging wouldn't change the matter.

Loki needed to have little faith. Too bad he was all out of faith right now.

Loki expected Frigga to say something next, so he was a little startled, when Odin spoke: "Thor. Your mother, and I need to have a word with Loki. In private. Please leave us."

Thor looked surprised, but nodded, doing as he was told, like the dutiful son he was. However, on the last minute, Thor turned back to face Loki. "I'll go now, Loki, but I'll come back soon. Is it okay if I... Will you be alright?"

_'Will you be alright without me?'_

Loki bit back an acid retort about not needing Thor for anything, mostly because he was more angry at himself than at Thor.

So, instead, Loki smiled as sincere a smile as he could and turned to his brother. Loki knew he must have gotten pretty close to his usual fake-smile-for-Thor's-benefit, since his brother looked exceptionally disturbed by the familiarity of the sudden, obviously fake delight.

"Of course I will be fine, Thor. You really ought to go. We cannot possibly have you present to hear what the Allfather has to say. Odin has, after all, just spent a considerable amount of time and effort to teach you a lesson. The ultimate lesson: always do as your father tells you to. If you stayed now, and learned of all the things your father has done, the ordeals you were put through on Midgard might have all been for naught."

Frigga held Loki's hand tighter, which was probably a warning to behave. Loki did not heed her advice, but turned to Odin next, still the picture of serious sincerity. "If Thor stayed, and heard, how you have broken every rule you ever made, you might fall off the pedestal you have worked so hard and uncompromisingly to put yourself on. We cannot have that, can we?"

Thor creased his forehead in disappointment. "Loki, I know you are going through a hard time, but try to remember that this hasn't been easy on any of us. You can talk to _me_ in this tone, but you would do well to show more respect to your father. He just wants what is best for you."

Although it wasn't surprising that Thor immediately sided with Odin, it still hurt. In Thor's mind, there wasn't even a sliver of doubt that Odin might be the one lying, and Loki the one telling the truth.

_Thor claims to love me, but if he really did, would he immediately believe the worst of me?_

Loki cast his eyes down. If the tears he was fighting to hold were to spill, he would rather no one saw.

"Loki", Thor's voice was, again, full of concern and regret.

_Damn, he noticed. (Who do you think you're fooling?)_

Great. Now Loki was mentally arguing with himself again. Which surely wasn't a good sign, or particularly healthy.

With a sad smile and a nod, Frigga gestured to Thor that it was all right for him to leave. And he did, though still obviously unhappy with how the conversation had ended. Loki felt some sympathy for the blond fool. It really wasn't Thor's fault that Loki was such a mess.

"Loki, there are many things we need to talk about." Odin began sternly. "Did you let the Frost Giants into Asgard?"

Loki nodded once, without looking up. He had said as much to Thor; there was no point in straying from his story now.

Odin sighed. "That is a very serious crime. With your actions, you have placed countless lives in jeopardy. Do you see that?"

Loki nodded absently. Considering the amount of time he had spent thinking of the best possible disruption for the coronation ceremony, it was safe to say he had calculated, to the best of his ability, the odds of lives being lost in this endeavor. Though, how much time Loki had devoted to his plot was probably of little comfort to the two guards, who were injured in the assault. Although Asgard had the most advanced medicine in all the realms, the healers had only barely been able to save the guards' lives. Their survival made Loki feel a bit better, but it didn't alter the fact that Loki's plan had been careless and poorly executed. Not one of hie better ones.

Now, at the latest, Loki should probably apologize. He _was_, after all, sorry for the danger he had put innocent people in, and for the war he had helped initiate. Yet, Loki's feelings towards Odin were of such conflicting nature he couldn't quite bring himself to ask for the king's forgiveness.

"You have acted against your realm, and against your own brother." Odin continued. "I am very disappointed in you, Loki. However, your mother and I have agreed that, so long as you understand the gravity of your offense, and promise never to do this again, there will be no further punishment for this."

_He didn't ask, _Loki realized. _He didn't ask _why_ I did it. Letting the Jotun in, killing myself... any of it._

Numbly, Loki nodded. This was an easy enough promise to make. Not like he was in the habit of letting enemies of Asgard into the realm.

Odin continued the questioning. "After I fell into Odinsleep, you visited Thor on Midgard, and told him I was dead. Why would you say such a thing?"

Loki half-shrugged his shoulders, and winced. Somehow, at the time, it had seemed like a good idea. Loki had wanted to talk to Thor, but couldn't talk about the things that were really on his mind, since they were secrets. Telling Thor about Odin was the only safe and important topic Loki could think of, and, to make matters seem even direr, he had exaggerated. A bit. Because, despite how defeated Thor had looked, Loki was sure Thor was still better off of the two. So, Loki had hurt Thor even more so that they could both feel equally miserable.

In all honesty, despite Frigga's worries about the Odinsleep being too great a burden on the king's health, Loki had never truly doubted that Odin would pull through. Loki simply could not picture an Asgard without Odin, or a life not centered around trying to win Odin's approval. The knowledge that Odin would awaken, had been one of the main things keeping Loki going. He had made all sorts of plans in the hope of proving himself to Odin.

Lying to Thor made little sense. Loki had, even at the time, known he would get caught for it. And yet, he had done it anyway.

Odin's face crumbled a bit. The king was obviously unhappy with Loki's non-answer. Still, what could Odin do? What punishment could Odin threaten Loki with that would be something the desperate young man had not already considered doing to himself? Surely, there wasn't much left Odin could do to hurt him.

Actually, Loki probably should not bet on it. Odin tended to be at his most creative when handing out punishments.

Odin went on: "I have also been informed that you have been to Jotunheim in my absence. What was the nature of your business there?"

A smile formed on the prince's lips. "Just a plan that no longer matters", he replied in a quiet voice. The Jotun King would have waited an hour, tops, at their agreed rendezvous point, before figuring out Loki was not coming, realizing he'd been had, and going home. The Jotun were unlikely to agree to such an arrangement twice, so the window of opportunity for that plan had closed.

"I... I thought I could... lure the Jotun King into a trap, and end the war quickly." Loki's explanation was a streamlined version of his intentions, which had, along with the plan, changed and morphed constantly during Loki's brief time as a king.

Odin rubbed his one eye tiredly. "I would not have asked you to do such things, nor would I have welcomed them. Asgard does not condone trickery or assassination as a means of conducting foreign policy. You know this."

Loki frowned. After all the trickery Odin had had Loki do, for Asgard's benefit, his words now made very little sense. Then again, in Loki's experience, what Odin asked Loki to do and what he secretly wanted Loki to do were two different things entirely. Loki was often left guessing, what it exactly was, that the Allfather wanted him to do, but would not say out loud, for the fear of liability.

"But... it would have worked!" Loki couldn't stop himself from saying. "It would have solved everything. I tried.. there just wasn't enough time."

_I could have done it, father._ Loki pleaded with his eyes for Odin to understand. _For you. For all of us._

Odin's face was passive. "No, Loki. What you suggest was never an option."

Loki's heart sank. It _wouldn't_ have worked? It wouldn't have earned him Odin's respect? He had been _so sure_ this plan was what Odin wanted of him...

Sighing, Odin went on: "I know the throne fell on you very suddenly and under difficult circumstances. Even so, Loki, I would have expected more of you. Have I not taught you that no lasting peace can be achieved through foul play?"

_If _that_ is the lesson you have tried to teach me, then why did you, time and time again, ask me to do less than honorable things for you? (Maybe, it just didn't matter, whether I ever learned this lesson or not, because I would never be king. I don't need to know right from wrong, for I will always have you and Thor to put me in my place.). _

_The only time you even noticed me was when I was up to mischief, either because you were asked to decide my punishment for it, or because you had asked me to do it. 'For Asgard.'_

Loki was numb. He did notice from the corner of his eye that Frigga was giving Odin a meaningful look. As the Allfather continued, his tone was softer. "And then, there is this matter of your injury."

Loki winced again. This time, the reaction had nothing to do with physical exertion.

"Loki, you have brought great grief on your family. How could you think this was something any of us would approve of, or want of you?" Odin looked beyond tired.

Loki kept his face down. Had he done this for his family, who would be better of without him, or for himself, as a way out? A bit of both, he supposed.

"Loki." Frigga gently lifted his chin, so that he would meet her gaze. "We _are_ your family, and we love you. I am so sorry for not saying this clearly earlier. Even if you are not ours by blood, we still consider you our son in all the ways that matter, and we care for you greatly. Never doubt that."

Loki looked to Odin to see if he concurred. Meeting his gaze, Odin nodded once. "Your mother is right. You are, and will always be, our son, and a brother to Thor."

Loki's mind seemed to move sluggishly. Usually he could always spot a lie, but, right now, he wanted to believe in their words so much that he couldn't even begin to decipher whether they were the truth or not. It was like there was a burst of wind in his mind drowning out all sensible deductions.

He startled a little when Frigga stroke her hand across his cheek, a sad but hopeful smile in her eyes. "Loki, if you ever feel unsure, you can always come and talk to me about it. Surely, you know this?"

Loki swallowed and nodded. Even as he did so, he knew he was lying. Although lying was a vice, surely he could be allowed a little white lie to spare Frigga's feelings?

In truth, Loki had obviously known no such thing. He had tried to talk to her, but all she wanted to talk about was Odin's sleep and Thor's banishment. Loki's worries had not seemed to be a priority to her, at the time. But, again, it was all Loki's fault. He was the one who misunderstood.

Frigga smiled a bit brighter for a moment, and then turned more serious. "And Loki, you have to promise me that you do not to try anything like this ever again. I would not know what I'd do if I ever lost either of you. I am your mother, and, to me, you will always be my little baby boys."

There were tears in her eyes at the last words. Without thinking about it, Loki lifted his hand to wipe them away, and promised: "I won't. I'm sorry. Please don't cry."

Loki was probably lying again, but he was just so good at it.

Frigga smiled through her tears, and gently squeezed Loki's left hand, which she still held in hers. "We will get through this. Together, as a family, and then everything will be back the way it was. You'll see."

To Frigga's side, Odin nodded.

Loki swallowed hard, but could not say anything. They were being so nice to him, even after he had been such a terrible son and king, and had caused them so much worry. They said they were willing to take him back. Loki should have thanked them; the least he could do was show some gratitude.

The fault was in Loki if he did not accept this second chance; this most generous offer to make everything go back exactly the way it was. Any decent person would have jumped at the opportunity, but since Loki was a monster, he just sat there, and fought back tears. Once again, his silver-tongue had turned to lead.

When Loki looked to Odin again, a thought occurred to him. If this was all Odin had come here to say, why had he asked Thor to leave? The Thunderer happened to be in on all the family secrets discussed in this brief session.

And then it hit Loki. Obvious, really. Thor had not been asked to leave, because Odin was planning to reveal things his true son was not supposed to know of. Thor had to leave, because Odin feared that _Loki_ might choose to say something out of line. Usually, the king could count on Loki's discretion, but now that Loki was certifiably crazy, who knew what he might do or say next.

Loki felt like laughing. Did Odin really think that there was any risk of Loki revealing his dirty little secrets, and have a single person in all of Asgard believe his word over Odin's? People called Loki the God of Lies. He was always guilty until proven innocent.

"You should rest", Odin stated, and patted Loki's leg once; briefly and awkwardly, the movement entirely unfamiliar.

"Yes, you must be tired", Frigga fussed. "Do rest, my son. The healers said that it will take at least a few more days until you are fully recovered. I will be here, when you awaken. I'll stay with you."

Loki wasn't tired. Not physically. He felt empty.

This conversation had not gone the way he had expected it to. Loki had pictured there to be more shouting and crying. More desperate explanations. More answers to the question 'why'; why he had done all he had.

But they had not asked, so there had been no need for such drama. Everything was peaceful in the land of the Gods.

Loki needed to think, but he couldn't do so with both of them there, and so he just nodded.

Odin took a step closer to him, which caused Loki to startle. Whatever the king had intended to do, he apparently thought better of it, and opted to just say: "We will talk more once you are healed."

With those parting words, the Allfather left.

ooo

Hogun, Volstagg, and Sif were up, despite the late hour. Partly, because none had anywhere better to be, or anything better to do than hang around and wait. They were starting to get worried for Thor. The man barely slept and ate, so busy was he looking after his unconscious brother, and Thor's friends were starting to become truly concerned. One of the warriors might have even been pacing across the floor in front of the fireplace, if any of them were at all inclined to do such a thing.

As it was, Volstagg was sitting on one of the big couches, looking surprisingly uncomfortable. Hogun was standing stoically in front of the fireplace. Sif sat upright in one of the armchairs, her attention purposefully keenly on the fire. There were no words spoken; the reason for the somber silence was clear enough to everyone present.

The scene was disturbed by Fandral's arrival. "I come bearing news, at last. Loki has awaken."

The words must have held magic in them, Fandral thought, for such was their effect on the room. Sif, never one happy with waiting around, got up. Volstagg perked up considerably, and even Hogun turned his attention to Fandral.

Sif was the first to speak. "When?"

"No more than an hour ago, or so I hear."

Sif looked thoughtful, and was about to say something more, when Volstagg beat her to the punch: "And how is the poor chap?"

Fandral lifted his eyebrow and shrugged. "Better, I reckon, but I honestly wouldn't know. It's not like I've been to see him. I only caught some gossip on the corridors."

"From the mouths of servant maidens, I'm sure", Sif muttered. Fandral gave her a dazzling smile, though he was a little offended that his friend thought him so uncaring as to resume his womanizing activities so soon after a disaster had struck, and while his close friend was still grieving.

_Perhaps, it is better to pretend like things are slowly returning to normal, _Fandral thought, and thus made no attempt to contradict her. _Gods know we could do with some normality after all that has happened around here. Who knew a disaster striking Loki could affect us all so much. I never realized how much Loki contributed to things around here. I never thought that I would sort of... miss him. _

As much as Loki was trouble, Fandral had to admit that life was more interesting with him in it.

"Is Thor with him?" Sif pressed on.

"I should think so", Fandral provided. "The entire family has been summoned, but I think Thor was there when Loki woke up."

Sif nodded, and sat back down. Fandral, too, took a seat. Sif asked nothing more, but Fandral couldn't help but notice something was still bothering her.

Volstagg looked between his friends hesitantly. "Do you think we should... go see him?"

"No. It's too early", Sif said. Her words sounded confident, but her eyes betrayed a conflict; she wasn't entirely sure what they should do.

"We have not been summoned. This is between family", Hogun provided. Sif nodded to him gratefully. Volstagg nodded, too, but also frowned in thought. The group fell back into silence, though this time, a thoughtful one.

Eventually, the redheaded man could keep quiet no longer: "Do the rest of you ever get the feeling that this whole mess is, in a away, our fault?"

Fandral blinked in surprise. He had noticed Volstagg was uncomfortable about something of late, but he hadn't seen this turn of conversation coming. "What? Why? Why would any of this be _our_ fault?"

"We went with Thor to Jotunheim. If we hadn't..." Volstagg appeared to be trying to put in words the vague sense of guilt they all more or less shared on the matter.

"Thor would have gone, with or without us. You know what he is like, when he gets his mind set on something." Sif stated evenly. They had had this conversation before. "We did warn him of the consequences, but Thor would not be swayed."

"And, perhaps, that is our fault, as well, for always letting Thor have his way in the past." Volstagg pointed out.

Sif looked very thoughtful, then closed her eyes, and sighed. "Perhaps, you are right. Perhaps we could have done more to protect Thor. However, I am not convinced even that would have changed the outcome. Loki let the Jotun into Asgard, which means he planned this whole thing from the start, and you know how watertight Loki's schemes can be. Perhaps, there was no other way things could have played out for Thor, regardless of what _we_ did."

Volstagg looked shocked. Even though Fandral pretty much agreed with Sif on everything the woman had just said, even he was mildly surprised that Sif would have the nerve to speak so bluntly, when the mood in the palace was what it was. It wasn't customary to speak ill of those, who had passed on to Valhalla, or of those, whose faith was still uncertain.

It just wasn't done.

"How could you say such a thing?" Volstagg boomed. "To accuse Loki of everything, while he is so unwell!"

Sif looked a little upset. "Oh, come on! We are all _thinking_ about it."

While Volstagg was still trying to come up with something to say, Hogun spoke up: "Although it was our initial assumption that Loki was behind all that transpired on Thor's coronation day, I'm not so convinced of it now."

Sif turned to the grim warrior, frowning. "Hogun, you were the one _most_ suspicious of Loki. The one who said he _had to be_ behind Thor's banishment."

Hogun appeared undisturbed, even impartial to the conversation. "Suspicion seemed prudent at the time, but much has happened after I first voiced my doubts. Odin's decision to banish Thor was a great surprise to us all. I doubt even Loki could have foreseen it, and, even if he did, and it was all a part of his plan, why did said plan end so badly for Loki?"

Sif rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you why: because we put an end to Loki's plan by retrieving Thor and exposing the younger prince's lies. After Loki realized his plan had failed, he was too much of a coward to face Thor, us, and his rightful punishment, and so he found a way to wiggle out of it. He has always been at his most creative, when finding ways to weasel out of punishments."

"No. I don't believe that", Volstagg stated stubbornly, and got up. "Loki was acting differently long before things came to a headlong collision, remember? Was that not the reason we knew something was amiss in the first place? I am certain that, what Loki did, he did not do on a whim, or because he was trying to avoid harm befalling him. Truly, what worse harm could have come to Loki's being and reputation from any punishment Odin could have passed on him?"

Fandral didn't like it when his best friends were arguing, and was reluctant to get involved, but he had to step up at this. "Volstagg, you are probably right in saying Loki was sincere in his attempt to... I'm sure none of us _truly_ question that. But that does not mean Sif is entirely wrong in saying Loki brought this on himself, when he arranged for Thor to be banished. He who digs a pit for another, shall fall into it himself, and all that."

Volstagg was starting to turn red. "Loki was so upset that he tried to take his own life! How can we call ourselves his friends, when we not only didn't notice anything of the sort going on, but, better yet, completely abandoned Loki when he needed our help the most?"

"We didn't abandon Loki, he pushed us away", Fandral pointed out.

"Really? I think we all noticed how strangely Loki started acting after Thor's banishment. He was so quiet, and then he was suddenly picking a fight with everyone. It wasn't like of him. We all knew something was bothering him, but did we ask him what it was? No! We were too busy worrying over Thor, so we just made our own assumptions, and placed all the blame on him. But now, is it really so impossible for you to think Loki was upset, because his brother was gone, and it was his fault? Even if Loki let the Jotun in, I doubt he intended for us to nearly die on Jotunheim, or for Thor to get banished as a result. You said it yourself, Sif: sometimes, there is just no talking Thor out of an idea he's gotten in his head."

Sif uncrossed her arms and pushed herself to the edge of her seat. "Well, if Loki is such a decent and loving brother, why did he ruin Thor's coronation, and put all of Asgard in danger? Better yet, if he missed his brother so much, why didn't Loki let us go and get Thor back when the king fell into Odinsleep?"

Volstagg looked positively grim. "I don't know. But I do know this: in all these years, Loki may have gotten on our nerves countless times, but he never let us down, when the situation was truly serious. How many times has he saved us all from certain death with his words or magics? How can you all now be so _unanimous_ and _certain_ that Loki, the same Loki who never bailed on us before, and even saved our lives not a week ago, is a traitor?"

Unconsciously, Fandral reached for the now almost entirely healed wound that could have been the death of him back on Jotunheim if Loki hadn't shown up and slain the Jotun attacking him. When he realized what he was doing, Fandral lowered his hand, but not quickly enough to avoid Sif giving him a stern look.

"Still, Volstagg, dear friend. Things are complicated, I give you that, but what makes you say that this mess is somehow our doing?" Fandral tried to clarify.

"The timing", Volstagg said solemnly. "How do you explain that? The moment we left Asgard, the moment we went against Loki's orders, he tries to... How could it be a coincidence? If we presume, Loki wasn't to be blamed for everything that happened to Thor, then how can we justify the way we treated Loki, our friend, in turn? How could we _not_ be responsible for this?"

Fandral really didn't want to think about this, but now that Volstagg put it like that...

If Loki had betrayed all of Asgard, it would more than justify everything they had done, _but_ if Loki wasn't as evil as they had presumed, their own actions started to look completely out of proportion. Things had just escalated so rapidly. One minute, they were _toying_ with the possibility that Loki might have let the Jotun in, and the next minute Loki was on the throne, they were all convinced he would be the death of Asgard, and plotted treason with none other than the Allseeing Gatekeeper. It just... got out of hand, and none of them stopped to even consider, whether their original presumption about Loki being a traitor held or not.

"Volstagg", Sif stated calmly. "You have a good heart, and you are a good friend. And so I shall say to you, what I have already said to Thor: you shouldn't take this all on yourself. Loki is trouble. He has always been trouble, and will always be trouble. We saw a problem, and acted to the best of our ability to solve it, given the knowledge we had at the time. We did the right thing, and you troubling yourself with all the what-ifs isn't going to change that. The fact still stands that it was Loki and Loki alone that took that blade into his hand with the purpose of inflicting injury on himself. It is Loki, and no one else, who should be held accountable for his own mistakes."

"You have told me no such thing, Lady Sif!" boomed a familiar voice.

All the warriors startled, and turned to the doorway. By the entrance stood none other than Thor, God of Thunder.

"Thor, I didn't..." Sif tried to amend, but was cut off.

"What? Did you not mean to suggest my brother, who is going through a very hard time, has had all this coming, because he has a history of getting into trouble?!" Thor was all thunder and lighting.

"Thor", Sif pressed on. "Of course none of us are happy to see Loki in this state; I only meant to point out that it was not any one individual's responsibility to look after him."

"Of course it was", Thor was exasperated, but added a bit more calmly. "I am his big brother. It is my responsibility to keep my little brother safe. Always."

The Warriors Four exchanged worried glances. They were used to handling Thor, when he was all thunder and lighting, but they had no idea how to act around Thor, who was full of self-doubt.

Fandral secretly hoped that the Allfather would relent already, and give Thor his powers back. In Fandral's opinion, a good portion of Thor's newly gained introspection was caused by frustration at having no idea, what he was expected to do to prove his worth and to regain his title.

Jumping at a chance to get the Thunderer distracted from his thoughts, Fandral asked: "We hear you have been to see Loki. How is he fairing?"

Thor still looked like he was trying to solve a complicated puzzle in his head, but answered, regardless. "He... he is awake now. And we talked some. It would be a stretch to say he is feeling much better, but I think I now have a better idea of what all is wrong, and, most importantly, how I can make it better."

"That is good news", Volstagg commented, in earnest. "Did he... did he say what it was that made him...?"

"Well, yes and no", Thor pondered. "My talk with mother had already given me some ideas, but now that I've spoken with Loki, I believe the problems run even deeper than what I had originally presumed."

Thor sank on to one of the sofas, waving his hands powerlessly. He slowly continued to speak, struggling to find the right words. "My brother, I just... I had no idea just how much he questions things I wouldn't even think to. He... he doesn't think that his company is wanted. He is not even sure that the people closest to him care for him. Loki, he seems to think that people always expect the worst of him, and that no one in Asgard wants him here."

_Oh crap_. Now Fandral was truly grateful that Thor had not been present to hear the entirety of their earlier conversation. And, officially, feeling guilty for what had happened to Loki. Locking eyes with Volstagg, he could see the red-haired man's thoughts were on the same lines.

"Um, well, is there anything we can do to help...?", Fandral began nervously, and was then struck with an idea. "I mean, if the problem is that Loki doesn't think his presence is wanted, isn't the easiest way to prove him wrong for as many people as possible to visit him? So that Loki will know that he is missed."

Thor's eyes moved rapidly for a moment, but soon his face spread into a wide smile. "That is a brilliant idea, Fandral. That is what we shall do."

Another thought crossed Thor's mind, and made him frown and add: "Though, I think I should run this by mother first. She seems to have a better idea about what might be helpful."

Fandral wasn't exactly looking forward to meeting Loki, after something like this; the conversation was sure to be incredibly awkward. Still, he was happy to hear there was something they could do to help Thor, and Loki, alike. It wasn't often Fandral suffered from guilty conscience, but whenever he did, it wouldn't let him rest until he got some closure.

()()()

**A/N**

It was suggested to me in a review that the guards in the Weapons Vault didn't necessarily have to die, so I saved them. Because I could (one of the benefits of writing AU).

While Loki's conversation with Thor was messy, it was at least honest, where as his conversation with his parents is anything but. I actually thought about letting Odin of the hook, but couldn't. Two words: 'No, Loki'. Even if Odin is deep down a decent person, and just terrible at showing it, saying those words, and only those two words, to someone you care about, when he is hanging on a thread, is the same as kicking him on the fingers. _Unforgivable_.

Even though the Bifrost scene didn't happen in my fic, it still affects my head canon; there is simply no way Odin could say what he said, and expect Loki to react any other way than he did. Which kind of means that at least a part of Odin wished Loki had the decency to die already. Of course, Odin didn't approve of what Loki had done, but he had plenty of time to say something else on top of the disapproval. Like 'Loki, I didn't want you to do this, but I have always been proud of you." or "No, Loki, I don't approve of what you have done, but I still love you." or "I know, Loki. Now please get up from there. I can't loose you." There are certain failings that cannot be overlooked.


	5. Imagined Slights

**A/N**

Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Hearing your thoughts means a lot to me. And thank you for patiently waiting for the next update.

Okay, there are more flashback scenes in this chapter. I hadn't intended to mess with the timeline of this fic (certainly not as much as with my other one), but I just found myself unable to tell this story properly without laying more groundwork. Since I started from the middle of the action, and the movie itself leaves our heroes' past a little open to interpretation, I felt I had to tell my version of events. Hopefully, it more or less coincides with what you always imagined Loki and Thor's childhood was like, or is at least plausible.

()()()

**5. Imagined Slights**

_On the day Odin gave Thor permission to use the Bifrost independently and tour the other realms at his leisure, Frigga assured Loki that it was only because Thor was the older of the two, and that once Loki was older, he would be allowed to go with his brother on his adventures. Thor said that at the rate Loki was growing, that day could not be far off. Loki told them both that he had no desire to go on these trips. Secretly, the younger prince began to look into alternative means of traveling from one planet to another, though it would take him many years to solve that mystery._

_In the meanwhile, Loki hoped against hope that Thor would soon grow tired of the novelty of his newfound freedom, and would stop going on these trips and stay home with Loki instead. He daydreamed of that moment more often than he'd care to admit, imagining it in his head with embarrassing amount of detail. Thor would walk up to him in the library or some other place where he spent most of his time, and would tell Loki that he would not be going away again, because traveling the worlds was meaningless if he couldn't have his little brother by his side. _

_Because, really, how much fun could Thor possibly have, no matter what adventurous and exotic places he found, if he had _no one_ to share them with? So, Loki liked to think that Thor needed him as much as Loki needed his older brother._

_Such clever lies he told, even as a boy. The truth of the matter was, of course, that Thor did not stay. Did not come to Loki as he used to. Did not need his little brother. _

_Loki thought of running away, just for the attention. He knew he wouldn't actually do it, but that daydream made him feel better as well. Once Loki was gone, Thor would realize what a horrible brother he had been and he would be very sorry for treating him so badly._

_Sometimes Loki doubted Thor would even notice he was gone, or would miss him at all. Thor had other friends to share his journeys with. First there was the Lady Sif; a lady warrior of same age and similar interests. At some point Thor and Sif befriended the Warriors Three, a group of warriors a little older than they were, and they all started to treat Loki more and more like he was just a child. In no time at all, Sif was the unannounced fourth member of their little band, and Thor their fearless leader._

_Sometimes, if Loki was feeling very angry, he imagined all of Thor's friends getting into huge trouble and begging him to safe them. If he was feeling generous, he would too. They would forever like him and appreciate him._

_As childish and short as Thor's early quests were, and as little as Loki actually enjoyed running around getting into fights, at the time there was nothing he wanted more than to be a part of those adventures._

_When Loki was finally allowed to join the older children on their travels, they turned out to be just as exciting as he had hoped and just as disappointing as he had feared, all at once. Thor and his friends truly were the great warriors people had painted them out to be, and although they rarely completed their original objective (usually, to find a hidden, ancient weapon or a magical artifact), the fearless band always found many new adventures and reasons to feel victorious. And although trouble tended to find them as often as reward, Thor and his friends could down almost any foe that dare oppose them. _

_To Loki, the fights felt meaningless, and not just because despite Loki's relatively considerable battle training, he was the weakest physical player on the team. Loki wasn't opposed to violence, not as a rule, but he simply found little pleasure in the act of fighting itself, nor did their enemies usually provide a challenge strategy-wise, since they rarely had any tactic at all._

_Still, the trips were challenging at best and curious at worst. Looking back on it, they were some of the best times of his life. But the thing Loki had truly looked forward to was things going back the way they used to be, when it was him and his brother against the world, and they never did._

_The problem wasn't that Thor and his friends weren't every bit the mighty heroes Loki had imagined them to be, but that there seemed to be no place for Loki in theirs midst. They worked together so seamlessly and trusted each other almost instinctually. _

_They did not trust Loki. They did not understand his fondness for magic, books and dialogue. Even Thor frowned upon Loki's repertoire of weapons, which was mostly limited to a fighting staff, throwing knives and occasional archery (though Loki disliked carrying a bow and arrows with him; they were a bit too obvious for his tastes). _

_In Asgard, subtlety was not seen as something to take pride in. And of course Loki would never be the kind of warrior the others were, no matter how hard he would practice or try. But Loki was never one to give up easily. He decided he would prove himself a valuable member of their little team, as many times as it took. _

_So, despite some unfortunate early clashes of powers, strategies and personalities, Loki got to know the others well enough to be able to work with them, and slowly he became a part of their team. Although Loki's talents were different from those of anyone else in Thor's lot, his stealth and slight of hand were no less useful for it. In fact, more often than not it were Loki's words or magic that got all of them out of a messy situation._

_Loki learned to work with the others, and the warriors grew to tolerate him, but they still didn't understand him. Often Loki wondered if they even trusted him. They certainly looked down on his mystical powers and unpredictable nature. They feared Loki._

_Even Thor, to whom Loki had been close throughout their early years, began to often wonder aloud just how strange Loki could be. Strange in a bad way. This was rarely voiced but always meant, and they all knew it._

_As the years went by, Loki found himself more and more reluctant to join the others on their reckless adventures, and yet he still went with them almost every time. Partially, because he was still too afraid that he would miss out on something important, or that if he didn't go today, soon he would be unwelcome to come at all. However, Loki went along mostly because he had firsthand experience on just how dangerous some of these quest could be, and Loki wasn't sure what he would do if one of these days his foolhardy oaf of an brother didn't come back at all._

ooo

Loki lay under a cover on a bed in the healing rooms. He was supposed to be asleep. Loki found it very unlikely he would actually get more sleep tonight. He felt oddly drained, true, but there was too much going in his head for dream to find him.

"_We will work it out together, as a family." "All will be the way it was."_

These kinds of statements were universally viewed as comforting, Loki was quite sure, but to him, they were anything but. The idea of everyone forgiving each other and all problems getting swept under the carpet was tempting... very tempting, in fact. At the same time it did not seem _just_.

The more Loki thought about it, the more certain he was that such a 'solution' would not bring him peace. Loki would rather die than go back to being lonely and unwanted.

Their family may have looked perfectly happy and functional to an outsider, but never to Loki's eyes. He did want their family to get along (or, at least he thought he did), but make-beliefs and pretending would solve nothing. If pretense was all it took to make things better, their family's problems would have worked themselves out ages ago.

It was strange how just lying around and thinking about nothing in particular was taking such a toll on Loki. Usually he had a plan or four in motion, and felt no worse for it. Now all Loki was supposed to do was rest. Get better. He wasn't sure how.

Loki had been shamefully unprepared to face Odin, Thor, and Frigga. He had been unable to create a cohesive strategy and stick to it. Loki amused that, in order to have a good plan, one had to first know what one was trying to accomplish. He needed goals.

_What do I want? To die? Not the worst possible option, but not the best one, either. _

Loki didn't want to die, but if the very best he could hope for was things going back the way they used to be...

_What else? _

Loki wanted to be heard, and, most importantly, to be believed. Loki wanted people to understand, why he had done what he did. He was hurting, but he didn't _want to_ break down and cry. Didn't perhaps deserve to, either.

Talking was an option, but people didn't usually listen to him or believe him. It was also difficult to put his discontentment in words without sounding petty and self-centered. Loki had, after all, had a very decent life by most standards. To complain over details could appear most unseemly, and Loki did not want to come across as one of those rich kids, who threw a tantrum, because their parents didn't give them enough toys. This really wasn't about hammers or thrones.

Loki's issues were not the result of any single concrete event or thing. It would have been easier, in a way, if either of his parents had often hit him needlessly, or locked him in the basement as a child. It was easier to justify that he was upset, because his parents had lied to him or because Odin had taken advantage of his skills, but the root of the problem was not one or the other. The concrete things Loki was complaining about were symptoms; proof of the existence of the problem, rather than the problem itself.

"Mother", Loki said quietly, abandoning all pretense of sleep. He estimated it had to be closer to early morning than late night, anyway.

"Yes, dear." Frigga took his hand. "I am right here."

To Loki's relief, she gave no indication of trying to encourage him to lie back down. Loki wasn't sure he could handle more rest just now.

Loki felt conflicted. He was aware of the pain he had put his mother through, and didn't wish to upset her further, but on the other hand, there was much Loki needed to say and ask. He decided to start with something simple, a straightforward question: "Does everyone know the truth, now? Does all of Asgard know what I am?"

Frigga met his gaze steadily. "No. We didn't... there was so much going on. We decided it was for the best not to complicate matters further. We did not want to put you in any danger while you were still recovering."

Loki found that, despite his little breakdown earlier, at the moment he had no difficulty keeping his face composed and calm. _Good._

"But you told Thor."

"Yes", Frigga said. "I did. He is your brother, and he wants to help. I thought it for the best if he knew, but we haven't told anyone outside the family."

Loki nodded. Although even he was growing tired of juggling with secrets, it would have been dishonest of him to say he wasn't primarily relieved. Loki's actions of late would look even more irrational and crazy if no one knew the reasons behind them, but, even so, Loki was glad to hear the secret was safe. Being viewed as crazy was still better than being viewed as a monster.

Loki did not intend to go back to living in denial, of course, but he couldn't quite _see_ _himself_ as a Frost Giant, either. In the 'us vs them' division, Loki still felt like he belonged with 'us', while all things blue and creepy were a part of 'them'. Even if Loki was undeniably a monster, it didn't mean he had to be one of _those_ monsters.

Loki did not know what he would do if others began to see him as a Jotun, and treat him accordingly. What were the Jotun even like, apart from being monsters? How did people expect a Jotun to behave? What were the defining attributes of a Frost Giant?

_...Be cold, blue and mean?_

"Why do I look the way I do? I mean, apart from when I am in physical contact with another Jotun or the Casket, I don't really look like one them, do I? How did the Allfather pull that off?"

It did not escape Frigga that Loki wasn't calling Odin 'father', but she let it slide for now. "You are a beautiful and magical being, and have been from a very early age. Your father tells me that after he found you, abandoned in one of their temples, you took on the shape of an Aesir almost immediately."

Loki frowned. "And I never changed back? The" _Illusion, mask, pretense? What should I call this thing that I am?_ "Aesir form never faltered?"

Frigga hesitated, but only for a heartbeat: "...It did, a few times, shortly after your father brought you home. You would keep changing between forms as if they meant nothing to you. You were incredibly talented for someone your age. But during those first few weeks we did not let anyone else look after you, or even see you."

Loki nodded, although he was fairly sure Frigga had been the only one looking after him. Loki could not picture Odin tending to the needs of his own infant son, let alone those of a Frost Giant runt.

Even so, Loki was still a little dubious. "So, Odin did not use magic to make me look the way I do? I just..." Loki gestured to his body. "Did this, by myself, with no help from you."

_How did I never notice? How did I never _know_?_

Frigga's voice was calm, but there was also a new strain to it: "It would not have been safe for you to remain in your birth form, so your father and I did our best to help you settle in an Aesir one."

"Ah", Loki said and raised one eyebrow. "With magic, yes? And what kind of spell did Odin use?"

Frigga shook her head, looking emotional, but that could be due to the nostalgia rather than any wrong thing Loki might have said.

"We used no magic."

"Then how did you...?" Loki felt a bit slow today, but perhaps it didn't matter. This was his mother, after all.

"We encouraged you by giving you attention when you were in your Aesir form, and by pulling away if you changed into Jotun, and, well, you have always been a quick study."

Frigga looked down, as if ashamed. Loki took her hand to show her he wasn't angry. In Loki's opinion, the answer seemed highly fitting.

_You ignore children when they are behaving badly, because you don't want to encourage bad behavior. What else would you call turning into a monster?_

_...Not that a well-concealed monster is any _less_ a monster. Did I not plan all my worst schemes and play my dirtiest tricks while in an unfaltering guise? Was I not always the odd one out; feared for my power and hated for my dishonorable ways? Apparently, a mask cannot hide what is wrong within. _

Loki let go of Frigga's hand rather quickly, after he was sure he'd gotten his intended message across. For some reason, he didn't really feel like sharing gestures of compassion with her.

Loki sighed. "You say that the reason you did not tell me or anyone else, what I really am, was that you did not want to put me in harm's way."

It wasn't really a question, but Loki lifted his eyebrows quizzically and waited for an answer anyway.

Frigga nodded. "We love you and we wanted to keep you safe."

Loki went on: "Because if anyone on Asgard found out about my biological parentage, they might turn on me on that instant, even if they had known me all their lives. Because _that_ is the level of bloodthirst still commonly present on Asgard, when it comes to the Jotun."

Frigga did not seem pleased with the topic, but thankfully made no attempt to change it: "That is what we feared. I am guessing you see the situation differently, and think we were being overly suspicious of our fellow countrymen. You could be right, too. However, it was a different time. Especially during those first years after the war, feelings were still running high. We did not want to take any risks."

Loki shook his head and smiled lopsidedly. "You misunderstand me if you think I would have, in your situation, placed _more_ trust in the good will of the citizens of this realm. I assure you, feelings may have cooled down over the years, but they have certainly not improved. I think your view of the situation was realistic and your fears justified. However, the part that baffles me now is why you forgot about these reasonable fears and precautions just a few days ago.

"I mean, since you were realistic enough to grasp that any citizen of Asgard might go as far as kill me, for no other reason than having been born a monster, why did you presume my own feelings on the subject would be any different?"

Frigga sat up straighter and tried to cut in, but Loki went on relentlessly: "Am I not a citizen of Asgard, then? Was I not raised here? Since the common understanding on Asgard is that the only good Jotun is a dead one, I am curious now: how did you expect _me_ to react upon finding out what I really am? Did you think that I would, perhaps, begin to like the Jotun better for it, or that the knowledge would endear those monsters to me? That I would find within me some long lost feelings of solidarity and sympathy towards 'my people'?"

Loki knew he was simplifying things too much. His reasons for trying to end his life had been far more complicated than just the single revelation of belonging to a race of monsters. His family could not love him like they loved Thor, and being a Jotun was more an explanation than a cause.

Even so, Loki had to wonder about his parent's logic. Did they, on some level, believe that if Loki found out that he was a Jotun, he would hate the Frost Giants less? Frigga and Odin might have even feared Loki would give in to the evil within him and swap sides the moment he learned the truth.

_Did they think I would betray them? Is that why I needed to be 'protected from the truth'? _

At least _Heimdall_ had appeared to automatically assume such a scenario was possible, and perhaps even likely, but Loki could not be sure of his parent's reasons.

Even Loki could admit that he had been quite off-balance and irrational right after finding out the horrible truth, but even so, no amount of shock or surprise could make him suddenly betray Asgard and side with Jotunheim.

To be on the safe side, Loki had even intended to prove, once and for all, that he had nothing in common with the race he had been born in. He had intended to start by killing their king and see where it went from there. If even more drastic measures were still called for to prove his loyalty. His worth.

_Do you want to wipe them out, still? Or even then? Or was that just another part of a crazy idea that was never to be realized?_

Loki wasn't sure. All he knew was that planning to attack the Jotun King and perhaps the rest of Jotunheim had not been the worst thing on the menu for him just a few days ago. Now that he was calmer, though, Loki saw very few reasons to pursue those goals. It wasn't like he could still save the situation, no matter what he did.

Most of his life, Loki had felt indifferent towards the Jotun, of this he was quite sure. He hadn't spent all that much time dissecting his feelings toward their race, but in comparison to say Thor, who probably saw the Jotun as just another group of monsters for him to slay, Loki really had had nothing personally against them. He certainly hadn't plan to systematically wipe them out before he knew he was one of them.

Still, as Loki's willingness to sacrifice those three Jotun rebels on the day of Thor's coronation had concretely showcased, Loki hadn't considered the life of a Jotun worth much even before he knew the truth about his own heritage.

But, really, why was everyone so surprised by the course of action he had chosen? Why should he feel anything but contempt toward the Jotun and therefore himself?

Thor and Loki, and probably most of Asgard, had been _raised_ to believe that the Jotun were the enemy. Monsters with no redeeming qualities. When he and Thor had been boys, the Allfather had told them stories of the war like they were fairy tales, with obvious heroes and unredeemable villains, whose sole motivation was wrecking havoc. Odin had not once tried to convince his sons that the Jotun shared the same inherent right to live as the other races of the nine realms did. Hadn't tried to tell 'his boys' that they were not all evil.

_Surely, he would have said something consoling, unless it was true. All Jotun are bad._ Loki closed his eyes, feeling rather desperate again.

Frigga put her hand on Loki's cheek. Loki, still unaccustomed to suddenly being touched so frequently, started. He looked to his mother, and repeated his question: "What did you expect to happen?!"

Frigga had a way about her, when it came to arguments. Instead of trying to outyell her opponent, she waited calmly for her turn. Loki had noticed this in many negotiations with the other realms. He had initially seen it as a sign of submission, but had soon learned better, and had since grown to respect her for her quiet, reserved manner. Apparent calmness was Frigga's way of unnerving her opponents; letting them slip everything about their priorities and intentions, while she showed them nothing of hers. Loki had learned a lot about the advantages of staying calm and composed even under great duress from her mother.

_Not all my skills in subtlety and deception come from my... the Allfather._

Loki could see Frigga waiting for him to calm down, and he _did feel_ unnerved.

"Loki, of course we never intended for you to find out the way you did. I can only imagine how upsetting it must have been. But, even so, you should have known that even if you are not Aesir, we love you, and would never wish anything bad to happen to you. If others do not share our views, they are the ones who are mistaken, are they not? No matter how much slander you may have heard of the Jotun, surely you, my clever and beautiful son, know your own heart better than anyone else?"

Frigga placed her hand on Loki's heart, to emphasize the point. "Your heart is good, my son. How could you ever doubt that? How could you think for one second that what you did was something that needed to be done? Or was even an option?"

Loki looked at Frigga's hand, mostly to avoid meeting her gaze. "It is not slander", he muttered. "That is why you did not tell me the truth. Because there is evil in me, and it is the sort all Asgardian upbringing in the world could not erase, so the only thing you could do was protect me from the..."

"No", Frigga said, shaking her head. Loki could tell from the shaking in her hand, although he still hadn't looked up.

"It is true that you are, and always will be, in part a Jotun, but that does not mean you are bad. The Jotun are not evil."

Loki made a disbelieving grunt. Frigga lifted her hand to Loki's chin and forced him to look her in the eye. "Loki, you are not a monster. No Jotun is. Well, not _just_ for being a Jotun. They are different form Aesir, yes, and we may not always understand or like their ways, but that does not make them monsters. What most people forget is that the Aesir and Jotun are more alike than they are different."

"How would you know? You were not in the war. Have you ever even met a Jotun?" Loki rolled his eyes and quickly added: "Apart from me, of course."

Frigga smiled her first, genuine, unrestrained smile during the whole conversation. "I raised you. After the war, writings on the Jotun were abundant, but unfortunately very few contained the sort of knowledge that was of any use to me, when trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, or why you sometimes acted the way you did. I learned some from others and improvised the rest, but, all in all, it was very educational."

Loki's face went blank: "I was... difficult? Even then?"

"All children are different, and all have their own quirks. What works on one does not always fit another. Your preferences were a bit more exotic than Thor's had been, but I only loved you more for them. They made you who you are; my beautiful, unique child."

Loki wasn't sure how to feel about this topic. In the little time he had known he was a Jotun, Loki could honestly say he hadn't even considered what that really meant for Frigga.

"I can admit now", Frigga went on, "that I was a little unprepared, when your father handed you to me, but since then I have attempted to learn more of the Jotun. Your father did not wish me to travel to Jotunheim, for the fear of what they might do if they discovered who I was. He also did not want anyone to make the connection between my new surprise child and my sudden interest towards Jotunheim. But I have used other avenues to gather as much knowledge as I could, in practice and in books. I would say that I know more about the Jotun than most Asgardians, including those who fought in the war."

Somehow, Loki was still having a hard time fitting this newest piece of information into his head. Quite possibly because tiny infants, no matter how difficult, could not exist in the same category with gigantic monsters.

"So... what are the Jotun like, then? In your opinion?" Loki looked up. He couldn't erase his preexisting expectation of monstrosity, but he was willing to accept the possibility that she could tell her things about the Jotun that he had never heard before.

Frigga thought for a moment. "Well, like I told you, I have not been to Jotunheim myself, and most of whom I have spoken to about it had only passed through, so my knowledge on Jotun culture is elementary at best."

_Jotun culture? The Jotun have a culture? Then why do they live on ice like animals?_

"But you were raised in Aesir culture, and learned our ways wonderfully, which speaks well for their adaptability. Whatever social differences there are between the Jotun and the Aesir, they are not so great they could not be overcome. Also, just like with the Aesir, the Jotun are not all alike, but there are great individual differences. There is no one, right way of being a Jotun, and being a Jotun does not force you to a specific behavior or role."

_But_, Loki thought, _surely there must be some fundamental differences. I am more different than anyone on Asgard. How could that be a coincidence?_

There were many things Loki still wanted to ask, and many answers he found lacking, but he wasn't sure how to phrase his doubts. Loki wasn't accustomed to opening up to his mother about his daily worries, let alone his deepest fears.

As a child, Loki would go to her often, cry to her hem, and have her comfort him, but not later in life. When Loki had grown older, his need to please his parents had also grown. He had decided not to trouble Frigga or anyone else with his worries, if he could at all help it. Surely a proper prince of Asgard would not run to his mother over every little thing. A proper prince would find a way to solve his problems on his own.

Even when Loki had began to suspect he was a Frost Giant, his initial reaction had not been to go to _either_ of his parents to look for answers. He had gone to the Weapons Vault, instead.

Looking back on it, Loki had probably done himself no favors by distancing himself from his mother. Loki just wanted to appear his best in Frigga's presence. To make her proud. It hadn't made sense to have honest conversations, which might lead her to feel ashamed of him, or worry for him. Loki had maintained a warm but casual relationship to his mother, and she hadn't appeared to mind in the least, so Loki knew he was doing the right thing.

Loki took in a deep breath. "But there must be some differences, yes? Something that explains why I am so... I am not happy. I have not been in a while."

Loki looked down. There it was, out for all to hear. After many years of discussing only pleasant topics, he really had no idea how his mother would react to finding out about what her younger son's life was_ really_ like.

Would she be angry? Would she be disappointed in him? Would she blame herself?

Frigga took in a deep breath. "Loki, I know the situation looks severe now, and you feel like there is no way things could get better, but I am sure that if you just think about it, you realize that nothing important has changed. You still have your life and your family and people who care about you."

_...Or she won't believe me._

Loki was a little disappointed but not all that surprised. Frigga may love him, but she was also the queen of a realm. She was a busy, reserved woman, with two troublesome boys and many other duties to attend to. If Thor was upset, all of Asgard would know that instance, but Loki had never been one to reach out.

Loki looked his mother in the eye. "Who?" He tried to sound innocent and distantly curious, but the word sounded bitter even to his own ears.

Frigga looked at him with a surprising force. "You have me, and your father, and your brother and your friends."

"I do not have friends", Loki countered as nonchalantly as he could.

"The Warriors Three and Sif and..."

"Sif hates me", Loki stated matter-of-factly.

Frigga frowned, as if considering it, but went on: "Tempers have run high during the past few days and I believe we have all made rash decisions. Said and done things we did not mean. But if you truly do not get along with your friends, why have you stayed with them?"

_Why indeed?_

Loki wasn't sure. All he knew for a fact was that before Thor had befriended those loud fools he called his friends, Loki and his brother had been inseparable. As children they did everything together, but as Thor grew up, he had begun to prefer the company of his brave and honorable friends instead of his sly and weak little brother. They would let Loki come with them, but he was never quite one of them. Just Thor's brother. Thor's shadow. The odd one out.

Thor would only hang out with his little brother if there was absolutely no one else available, and although Loki would first go to him, and cry and demand that Thor listen to him and devote more time to him, it hadn't taken Loki long to take the hint and start dismissing Thor right back on those few occasions it was just the two of them. Loki's pride would not let him take charity.

Loki knew his dark thoughts could be read on his face, since Frigga's eyes grew sadder and sadder by the minute. She looked like she was about to say something, but this was not a topic Loki wished to dwell on.

Loki quickly beat her to it, not even trying to cushion the sudden change of topic: "Did you know of all the things Odin asked me to do for him?"

Loki could see from the confused expression on Frigga's face that she didn't. At least not about _all_ of them.

"Loki, dearest, what do you mean?"

"I was just wondering", Loki began, "if you knew of all the times I was summoned before the Allfather because he needed me to help him solve his problems in a way that left his reputation flawless. I did not see it like that at the time, of course; I thought it was how all fathers and sons acted around each other. But it is not supposed to be that way, is it?"

Frigga looked at him, concern shadowing her features. "Loki, I understand you are angry at your father and me, but please try not draw all the worst conclusions. Your father loves you. I know he can be hard on you, and that he doesn't always show his emotions very clearly, but you and your brother mean the world to him. You shouldn't only focus on the negative. There have been good times, too, haven't there? You have been happy here."

Loki swallowed. She was right. There had been good times. Mostly when Thor and he had still been young, and spent all their days playing around, side by side.

Yet, even those happy, early memories weren't quite perfectly happy. Even then, Loki could remember noticing and wondering, why Odin would give more time to Thor than to him. Why Odin would encourage Thor to show initiative but only scold Loki, no matter what he did? Why Frigga and Odin would sometimes exchange these _looks_ about him, and Loki would have no idea, what he was doing wrong.

"I do not think Odin loves me", Loki stated evenly. "I am not sure what originally motivated him to take me in or keep me around, but I do not think it was done out of love."

_Love is not given; it is earned._

Frigga's brows creased further. "Loki, please do not speak in this way."

"I do not think he would have done that to Thor", Loki continued as if Frigga hadn't said anything. "I do not think Odin would have risked his true son's reputation by having him do the dirty laundry of the realm. But I am not sure if that is because the Allfather loves Thor, or because he thinks such behavior would reflect badly on him, as Thor is his true son."

"Loki", Frigga warned, appearing distressed. Loki reminded himself that he was supposed to be nice to her, but couldn't muster the energy to care. That was probably what being a monster was like. Knowing you were only hurting the people you loved, but doing it anyway.

"Do you believe me, mother?" Loki asked. "Do you believe me, when I tell you that I am not just imagining this? That I have been wronged by people I thought I could trust without reservation. People, who I thought would have my best interest at heart, but who, it turns out, had other priorities."

Loki could have gone on and on; give examples and details to prove his case. However, if she didn't want to hear, there was little Loki could do to make her.

Frigga looked thoughtful. _Could she be considering it?_ Loki realized he didn't know his mother well enough to be sure, what her answer would be. So he waited.

"Loki, I believe you. I believe that you feel this way, that we, your parents, have wronged you, and you are right. We weren't there for you when you needed us the most. We should have done more to make sure you knew how much we loved you. Perhaps, we should have told you the truth earlier. I know mistakes have been made on all sides, and there are many things that we still need to work on, and many things we need to forgive each other for."

"But starting with admitting that the wrong-doings happened, yes?" Loki pressed, lifting an eyebrow.

"...Yes, you are right. That way, we can all learn from our mistakes and do better in the future. But after that, we should not dwell on past wrongdoings but move on", Frigga amended.

"Well, I have learned my lesson. I shan't let Odin take advantage of me again. Problem solved. Yet. I would still like to have him _admit_ to his crimes."

Loki knew full well that raising interest in past shady dealings was likely to get _him_ in more trouble than Odin; his own involvement had always been more direct and easier to pin-point. Then again, right now Loki didn't much care about a new flaw in his reputation.

Frigga shook her head, and raised her hand to Loki's cheek, but he pulled away.

Disappointment and sadness clear on her face, Frigga asked: "Would you still like to get some sleep?"

Loki shook his head.

"Would you like to go to your own room?"

Loki lifted his gaze. "Yes, please."


End file.
